Friday, March 13, 2020

Memorial Day..............

With much dread, we embarked on the long holiday weekend by staying busy. Carnival, Lancaster shopping, the amazing Cafe Chocolate and finally.... Arlington to visit the gravesite of my beloved husband.

Ellie and Nana

Ball pit at the carnival

Cousin Theis and Ellie Grace

Ellie lovin her daddy (sorta)

a lil tidying up

Big kiss


LOVE LOVE LOVE our Dennis!

Eulogy from Dennis' Funeral

By Lt Col Eric Moran (USAF retired)
There are very few people who come into the USAF and impact so many in a dramatic fashion. The majority of us are just flickers of light during our careers. The few are consistent glows impacting so many. For those of us here today and the thousands throughout MSgt Siler’s career who had the privilege to serve this great nation with him, know all too well that Dennis was a consistent glow, a continually burning flame that provided comfort during difficult times, provided warmth when deployed in harms way and offered joy and laughter during the calm. This flame will never extinguish, never burn out, never falter for he has and will always live in our hearts as an inspiration, one to emulate and provide us strength that we are unaware of possessing during the terribly difficult days, weeks and months ahead.
Dennis was our radiant of hope when things didn’t go our way. A special friend who could share faith, muster a direct order, listen to our complaints, explain to an officer like me not only why I was wrong and making the worst decision of my career (which to Dennis I made often!) but offer solutions that would bring resolution and always insure his troops were protected. Dennis was a fierce warrior for those under his tutelage and displayed character that I dreamed of emulating. He was a master reader of emotion providing a big smile with a comforting face and an ear that could listen till the early morning hours. Dennis was and will continue to be a teacher/leader to us all for his thoughts and actions were pure. His was decisive and always correct.

We started our careers at the same time and probably crossed paths without knowing. I was flying out of Norton AFB and Dennis was in Sembach AB, Germany. I would transit the field not realizing that Dennis was on the ground securing the base, airfield and protecting our members and dependents.
This isn’t what Dennis wants me to talk about….but I will…I know he’s looking down at me right now, with his arms crossed, chest pumped out and giving me that look that a lot of us have seen. Yes at times…intimidating.

While at Sembach, his supervisors wrote:
“He is an absolute role model for other airmen to follow”
“AIC Siler gets things done”
AIC Siler is a classic example of a “fast burner”
“Constantly searches for military and personal self improvement. His appearance, bearing and behavior are above reproach”

Dennis avoided the limelight; his work ethic, desire for knowledge and care for others was genuine and honest.
He shunned personnel praise and always ensured that his accomplishments were transferred to his peers and subordinates. His accomplishments continued outside of the AF, not in uniform with a weapon on his side. Dennis was a consummate professional spending his down time coaching a youth baseball team for American Youth Activities or completing college courses. He was driven to accomplish community service and strived for higher education.

After a few years, the AF decided that Sgt Siler was ready to move. Off he went to Anderson AFB Guam. Surprisingly, I transited the airfield on a weekly basis not realizing that in a few years one of my greatest teachers was at arms grasp and we would be stationed together. Dennis continued to impact all those around him. Involved in Christmas drop for needy children, graduated with honors from NCO Leadership School and recipient of the Commandant’s trophy. An amazing accomplishment.
“SSgt Siler is truly top-notch”
“Supported the local community with clean up after super typhoon Russ”
“Assisted with the re-painting of the historic Agana Cathedral”
“Organized and supported the island-wide Special Olympics”
The theme is constant and crystal clear. MSgt Siler always put everyone in front of himself. His devotion to fellow man was equal, uniform or civilian, in need or plentiful. He loved all with a faith that was un-burnished.

His work was complete at Guam and the AF decided to move Dennis once again. This time to Seymour Johnson AFB in North Carolina. In fear of being repetitive, our beloved Dennis continued on the same course. Professional development, volunteer work, higher education and military accomplishments galore. After a short time, his recognition was so great that he was hand picked to the most prestigious position for Security Police in the AF. To provide security for Presidential Support Aircraft at Andrews AFB. You may have not known that he graduated from the FBI Sniper School, SWAT and Security Forces Trainer’s Supervisors Course. Dennis would never acknowledge his accomplishments, only others.
Albeit his time was short in North Carolina but I believe it was here that he developed the ability to slow his speech, develop a slight accent and hide the Mensa brilliance that God provided Dennis. It was here that our paths finally crossed and I am so blessed to have spent the last 10 years of our careers together. Dennis and I were on our first trip together supporting the Vice President. He was protecting the aircraft and the rest of the crew was on a long layover. I jumped in the car and decided to go check on my crew- member out at the airport. I approached the aircraft from the flight line and Dennis was standing by the front of the rental car parked in front of AF II. He didn’t recognize me immediately and politely turned a shoulder and placed his hand on the butt of his 9Mill. Note to self, don’t unexpectedly show up on America’s finest Security Police officers charged with protecting the President, Vice-President and Foreign Heads of State in an unmarked rental car at a high rate of speed! As I got out of the vehicle, Dennis and I spent the start of an incredible relationship. We shared faith, family and friends. The three most important things to Dennis. His amazingly strong relationship with our God and Savior, his incredible family and never-ending love and devotion for Tracey, Zach, Christian and Ellie, they’re church family, community family and Air Force family.
As I separate these families into 3 different groups (church, community and AF) it becomes apparent that I am misguided. I look out into the crowd and see the faces of many and we are all the same. We have a common bond that makes us so strong. We all believe deeply in Old Glory and all the promise she provides us and our future generations to come. This is what Dennis believed in. Devotion to duty, Service before self. Protection of our great nation. We all share and respect in the meaning of our Flag and hearts bleed for those who have defended our freedom and given the greatest sacrifice of all. Allowing the strength of Dennis’s belief in God and an eternity of peace resurrect your search for God and Faith if it is lacking. Assume Dennis’s actions and community service; never shy away from the poor, hungry and needy. If we could all see through the eyes of Dennis--that everyone was equal, everyone deserved affection, respect and love.
Believe in synergy where the sum of the parts is greater than the whole.
I now would like to read a few excerpts from great Americans who served side by side with Dennis over the years. As we affectionately call them, they were all Flying Guns. Our nation’s leaders slept well at night while traveling the darkest corners of the world knowing that these men and women stood vigilant 24 hours a day insuring that the American flag on the tail of our aircraft and bold print “United States of America” down the fuselage was sovereign US territory and the tip of the sword for our military might. When diplomacy failed and thankfully not often, the sword fell. These flying guns stood side by side with Dennis for countless years and will continue the tradition for years to come, ensuring the sound of freedom rings loud throughout the world.
Over the course of the past few days, all of us are suffering, confused and questioning this tragedy. Dear friends of Dennis’s, Jake Pullin and James Slawson have done so much for today and were able to compile a few excerpts from former flying guns. I now would like to read a few of their comments:

Donald Whitley
I miss the "debates" in a brotherly way we use to have back in the day. I mean Really Good debates/discussions. I learned something new every time. I wanted that back! He was a Good Man -- "principled." We called him Maximus. The intellectual warrior...he left an impression!
Jake Pullin & Gina Coonrod
What about the over-hand claps? You had Dennis with them "bigass" arms who looked like he was playing the piano by the time they were done with him. He hated that exercise! They were like..."you built them big wanted'em...NOW GET'em UP"!!!! That exercise was a piece of cake for dudes with arms like ours...but not killed him every time!
Noel Walton
I remember he was patient with me while I was still training when first hired on the flying guns, and he was very down to earth. He told me a lot about his family, house, land and the coffee shop he wanted to open with his wife when he retired. I could tell he was very proud of all of it and was a great family man. A great coworker and mentor
Carl Vogtsberger
When he retired...the Commander asked him what his last request was. He requested that his troops (the deployed guys) get their medals or he was not having a retirement ceremony! He put others ahead of himself. I will never forget that. He even had the medals presented at his retirement.
Carlos Michael
I met Dennis in 97 when I started flying. Didn't know much about the job but he quickly took me under his wing and mentored me. Not only did he teach me the job but how to be a good NCO. He taught me that we are all different and need to be flexible with our leadership skills. Once I had the job down we would talk extensively about family. I only hope I can be as good a father and husband as he was. He adored his family and would bend over backwards for them. He was also a good friend willing to do anything for you if you needed anything. I also came to find out he was very smart even if he downplayed it. He wouldn't push but he would tell you the benefits of education and that the government gives us free money to go to school. He taught me to be better with my finances and to invest for the future. I owe a great part of who I am as an NCO and a family man to Dennis. May God rest his soul.
Michael MacConnell
The base was having a fitness challenge one year at the fitness center. All the participants were gathering around. Most of them were in there early 20’s and here Dennis was in his late 30’s. Dennis was stretching out getting ready for Push-up/sit-up completion, and I overheard some of the younger competitors laughing at him saying he has no chance to win he is washed up. These kids had six-pack abs and bulging muscles, once Dennis pumped out his push-ups their jaws dropped and smiles were wiped of their faces. He did the same for the sit-up portion. He blew the field away. I believe if I remember correctly he won first place.

James Slawson
Dennis, Robert Banks, and myself were in Florida. We had just got through working out at Gold’s Gym there in the area (we were all pretty fit at that time.) We went to a Chinese “All you can Eat” Buffet. After our fifth trip to the buffet all the Rice and Beef and Broccoli were gone and we just emptied the Kung Pao Chicken and Fried Rice bowls. We asked if they were making any more White Rice and they said, (in Chinese accent) “No, you finish” “You go now”….we said “This is an All you can Eat Buffet!” Then they said “You eat All Can Eat.” We were thrown out of an “All you can eat Buffet!!!!” Crazy!!!

As Dennis’s career was coming to an end, he approached me one day and asked me to be the presiding officer for his retirement ceremony. The greatest of honors to stand in uniform, side by side with MSgt Siler and retire him from Active duty and return him to his family, church and community. Now I stand in awe of the strength of Tracey, Zach, Christian, Ellie and entire family as I recount the life of a true Gentleman who devoted his life to many, thankfully, we the Air Force, had 20 years of his amazing leadership. Like everyone here, I am personally struggling with this tragedy. Dennis was the truest of men that I have met. Our relationship professionally and personally has made me a better father, improved my abilities in the workplace and has had an impact spiritually. In the New Testament, both John and Paul write of death and sin as enemies, as threats to human life, but both of them remind us that Christ has conquered them by his death on the cross and offered us grace and new life by his resurrection. This is not to trivialize our sense of loss, but to help us remember that death isn’t the end of the human story; death doesn’t get to write our last chapter. In the cross Christ triumphed over death and in the resurrection he opens the gates of heaven to his people. I am reassured, knowing that Dennis stands proud in the gates of heaven.
Its my prayer that in the days and months ahead the Siler family and all of us will dwell less and less on the pain, suddenness of his death, and remember with joy and gratitude, with faith and hope, how well he lived and served and loved.
At Dennis’s retirement I closed with an Air Force Creed that exemplified his character. Today, I would like to read the same Creed as we pay our lasting respects to a Hero, dearest of friends and true brother. The USAF Security Forces Creed.
I am a security force member. I hold allegiance to my country, devotion to duty, and personal integrity above all. I wear my shield of authority with dignity and restraint, and promote by example high standards of conduct, appearance, courtesy, and performance. I seek no favor because of my position. I perform my duties in a firm, courteous, and impartial manner, irrespective of a person's color, race, religion, national origin, or sex. I strive to merit the respect of my fellow airmen and all with whom I come in contact.

MSgt Dennis Siler, it is for you I eternally pray, dear brother. Rest in peace."
Final Salute…

Carl Ferro and Tracy Siler

God is so good!  

Carl Ferro and Tracy Siler

Friday, September 20, 2013

Dear Anonymous......

Our first reaction.....WOW! Your very generous gift was a complete surprise and your anonymity a reflection of your PURE and genuine Christian faith!

Let me start by saying that when we first embarked on this amazing adoption journey, we NEVER imagined how utterly life changing the process would be. For us, it has been soooo much more than just adding to the family head count. God has opened our eyes, our hearts and our souls to His will and provided us with many "AWE" inspiring moments along the way. As a result, we are FOREVER changed and whether our Christian brothers and sisters realize it or not, God is using them to change lives. Their powerful words, unwavering support and generosity have petaled our path with blessings beyond measure.

So after our initial WOW moment, our second reaction to your gift was "we can't accept this, give it back"! We realize now that we reacted with sinful pride and that we must pray about your gift with humility. We yield control to our all mighty father and surrender it all to Him so that His will may be done.

Finally, we want to say THANK YOU and please know that whatever is decided, your kind and selfless gesture, will forever be a treasure in our hearts!

In HIS Glory......

What's up?

So as you may have noticed, I haven't blogged in a while.  Why? Well I received some not so nice "anonymous" messages from a very unhappy person. A person who for some reason, stalks my online everything! YouTube, Facebook and obviously my blog.  I have to admit, looking back now it's a bit comical in a sad somewhat disturbing way.  This person, whomever he/she is has big emotional and mental issues. So qualifying her nasty comments as legitimate and then not blogging because of her, is by far one of the most generous gifts I've given someone in a long time. So I've decided that this is MY BLOG!.  If you don't like IT or ME, then DON'T READ IT! Remember, we live in America land of the free! See ya!!!

So now on to more important things, like updating you all on my not so normal life and sharing Gods amazing and abundant graces.

The six kids and I are adjusting well to life in the great state of  Hawaii (I wish).  Zero regrets about moving  and God validates this for me with how well Christian and Nicole are doing in school.  They both are consistently honor roll students and have set ambitious career goals for themselves post high school. Christian is leaning towards medicine and Nicole although still undecided, has enrolled in college for the upcoming fall semester.  As you know, i am not Nicole's bio mom but for very good reasons, I am her guardian.  So paying for her college means financial aid isn't an option for me or her.  Bio mom refuses to share financial info to apply for financial aid and guardians have limited parental rights.  but i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God will make sure Nicole's education is fully funded.  HE will not let $ prevent this sweet girl from earning a college degree. Her and christian both have jobs at local restaurants and work their little fannies off while still in school full time.  They impress the heck out of me!

Kali is adjusting but it's A PROCESS! Older child adoption is DIFFICULT.  Especially when you add teenage GIRL hormones to the mix not to mention a radically different culture and language! But GOD is good all the time, so we re all learning and growing.

Kid is still sweet smiling ever so gracious Kid. The most compliant child I have ever met.  He still wakes up each day with a glimmer of excitement of what another day in the crazy life in America will bring.  Love that boy! He brings perspective to all the crap life dishes out.  He's been through and seen so much in his little nine years of life, yet his spirit is bright with joy.  I don't understand it, but I know it's a gift of hope.

Ellie? Well she keeps everyone laughing and smiling all day everyday! With a perpetual song in her heart she sings and dances from sun up to sun down.   She can't help herself.  If there's a beat, her boogie is a shakin!

I HATE WEEKENDS! The days are long and crammed pack with things that Dennis and I SHOULD be doing as a family! Its pure agony. And trying to masquerade my grief from my boys is getting harder to do as the days go by!

Ellie after her first cider donut
Today was Ellie's first trip to a pumpkin patch. A "first" her daddy missed. A prelude to the bitter sweet days to come. We have Ellie's 1st birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, our 19th wedding anniversary, Dens birthday and Zack's birthday, all by years end. This is A LOT of sadness to endure just over the span of a couple of months. I really don't think I'll make it without medication! No really, I'm not kidding! Yes I have been blessed with a couple days of "trance like" demeanor, but for the most part, I'm completely bathed in sadness. I truly cant find joy in anything anymore, including my children. When I watch them, all I see is Dennis and loss. I see how my darling sons have lost the most amazing dad ever. How Christian lost his hunting buddy and Zack his biggest fan in ice hockey. How little Ellie will never see, first hand , how crazy in love her daddy was with her. Now, every teenage and baby milestone only beckon waves of anguish.

Today, while I was supposed to be watching Zack play ice hockey, Ellie and I tipped toed out to Barnes and Noble. I bought a book call "Grief Observed" by C. S. Lewis. I read a couple of pages and I'm not sure if this is going to help or make matters worse but hey..... what have I got to lose? Maybe reading about someones elses grief will give me a much needed reprieve from my own! I'm desperate for a book that extols HOPE. And much to my surprise, the Bible is not that book. It appears to offer no consolation for the grieving widow. Perhaps that's why the shelves were littered with books on grief in the SELF help section? I don't know. But let me add this..... even though the Bible doesn't offer any eternal matrimonial HOPE, I still love Jesus and NOTHING will ever change that, NOTHING!

I know this post hasn't been very inspirational. But its honest (a little scattered) and that's what I promised at the start of this "journey". It represents just a glimpse into my heart as it fumbles through faith and grief. A heart that dies, a thousand times a day while clamouring pathetically for understanding. So tomorrows a new day, a day closer to clarity, to peace and to HOME!


A very special grain of wheat has fallen to the ground .....and died....... yet it WILL produce much grain! Through my hands, through your hands and with His grace, WE can pour out our lives to fill others with the knowledge of His LOVE (mute my music playlist before watching this amazing video)

Please help grow the harvest at Yezelalem Minch Orphan Ministry in loving memory of Dennis!

Sponsor a child TODAY!
Its simple, its just $30 a month and the rewards are ETERNAL!
Email Kara at

Today I watched a video link that, someone with the kindest of intentions, emailed to me. It was a video clip of a couple talking about the tragic loss of their teenage son who had been killed in a car accident. Their grief was obvious and although no longer fresh, STILL overwhelming. While watching the video, I had hoped for a sliver of comfort to result. A morsel of hope that "it gets better over time". However, what I received instead was affirmation that, I too, should expect infinite pain. That the loss of someone so close to your heart, changes you forever. It becomes a part, if not all, of your "story". IT NEVER GOES AWAY!

Unexpectedly, in the midst of their heart wrenching story, I began to envy them. Why? How? Well they sat SIDE BY SIDE, HAND IN HAND consoling each other in the midst of their anguish. I sat watching the video, ALONE. No husband to cleave to! Whether they realize it or not, they are so still very blessed to have EACH OTHER. In my deepest darkest hour of need, my husband is gone and I sit alone, day after day, night after night.

So that's my pity party (aka opinion). And from where I'm perched, I think I'm entitled to it! Love, TRUE LOVE, is powerful. My love for my husband is, as God intended it, beyond anything in my planetary world. Losing him, was the single most devastating thing that could ever have happened to me. And yet I still feel the overwhelming need to scream GLORY BE TO GOD IN THE HIGHEST! Because NO MATTER WHAT, heavenly eternal life prevails and satan, the keeper of death, loses AGAIN!

So each day I draw energy, comfort and LIFE from my beautiful and precious children and my Saviour that loves me NO MATTER WHAT!

Someone recently referred to me as "single".... YUCK! I will never be single. I am married FOREVER and even though we are not together now, I know that in the next life, whether it be intermediate or new earth, we will be together again. So, in my opinion, our marriage isn't over its just been placed on "hold" for a while. Like my Dennis is on a very long deployment and his commander in chief (AKA God) has promised our reunion, after the mission is complete.

What is your forever? Our forever, was NOT long enough. We had so many plans, dreams and hopes for OUR future. We often fantasized about our retirement imagining large holiday gatherings, long walks on the beach and travel. Then, in just the blink of a eye, as I lay a sleep in our bed and he in a tree, gone forever were all our mortal hopes. Now, there is no earthly WE, OUR or US. I have been left to trudge through my final years alone. Yet still, I have no regrets. I would marry him over and over again. I am so very grateful to have been his wife for nineteen years. It was an honor and a privilege and look so very forward to picking up where we left off, when we meet again!

Remember, your forever has a number attached to it. Never assume that its season concludes when you both are old and gray. Your forever could end tomorrow! And if it did, could you proclaim, with confidence, that you loved as best you could? My hope is that my short marriage is a lesson, an eye opener if you will, to others. Hug, kiss and love your spouses with every strand of your being. Don't wait till tomorrow, tomorrow may be too late!

1 Corinthians 13:13

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
The Medical Examiner returned the clothing my Dennis was wearing the day he left for Heaven. As superficial as it may seem, I love his boots. BOOTS have always been a constant in my hubby's wardrobe. Over the almost 19 years we were together, combat boots and/or hunting boots were always a staple. To me they represent service, dedication and passion. He LOVED his country and served it relentlessly as a soldier. He LOVED hunting and pursued it with enthusiasm that inspired so many others. His legacy is strong. He single handily introduced so many to the sport while always promoting ethics and safety. How ironic (seems to be a theme this year) that he died doing what he loved. He loved and appreciated nature and although many times came home empty handed from the hunt, his heart was always filled with peace from the mediation it provided.

Truly created in HIS image.
A glimmer......

I miss you baby!

Glory be to God in the HIGHEST!
Refuge..... today I seek refuge in the arms of the Heavenly Father. The only arms left to hold me, heal me and love me without pause. Through HIM, all thing are possible. HE has assured me that my love waits for me and that HE WILL reunite us, after a life lived in grace and servitude. So today, HE is all that I seek, all that I need. HE is my comfort and my hope. In Him, I TRUST! Glory be to God in the Highest!

DNR sent me these photos, from the "scene"

This is the place MY LOVE forever left this earth ........ to be eternally with his heavenly father.

We will be planting shade loving bulbs around the tree this weekend and already carved a heart in the bark of the tree. Just a small tribute to an amazing, amazing man.

The day before THE DAY will forever be etched in my mind. The day I should have loved more, better, longer. I wish I knew then, what I feel now. I wish I had savoured EVERY MOMENT and took nothing for granted. You never know when that kiss.... that kiss, will be your last.

A couple of years ago, early in the morning, I observed my neighbor walk her husband to his car, embrace him with hug, practically climb in his car window for a goodbye kiss then stand waving goodbye as he drove up the street until he was clearly out of sight. I thought this a bit much at the time but assumed he must be leaving for an extended business trip. Then the next morning, I observed the same routine, then again and again. Apparently, this is how she loves. She cherishes every moment with her husband. Her motivation for loving so intensely became dramatically more clear when I learned that, several years before moving to my neighborhood, she had lost her daughter to cancer. Perhaps that's when she learned to love so radically, I'm not sure. But having now gone through a similar heart loss, I totally get where shes coming from. A behaviour I once judged as odd, has now become a model for me.

So even today, as I trudge through this dark dark season, I can see amazing lessons woven discreetly into the fabric of my loss. I'm awe struck that my saviour loves me so much, that He has chosen to walk me through one of the hardest things a mortal can endure. He gave me my love, then took him away, all the while holding my hand, crying with me but knowing that in the end, my heart will be sanctified and my eyes truly open to His will. Thank you Jesus for caring so much for me, to take me on this journey.

Glory be to God in the HIGHEST!

The sun rose again today, I'm not sure how.... or why... but it did, in the same predictable way it always does. The difference today is that it rose without my Dennis. My beautiful husband of almost 19 years. He left earth just 12 days ago, early in the morning while hunting. They (Dept. of Natural Resources) say he fell out of his hunting tree stand. Of course this is an unusual way to die, so even the national media outlets felt compelled to chat about it. Chat about it like any other tiny topic of interest then on to the next. As is everyone, on to the next.... life goes on.

Our family tree has forever been changed. You see Dennis was the trunk of our tree and when he left this earth, all the branches, ie his children and me, well we all fell. Fell heavy to the ground just like he did that cold morning of Sept 20th, 2010. Life as a branch without the trunk of its tree means only one thing.... the branches die too. Eventually the fallen branches dry up, crumble and become part of the earths landscape. This is a long process of deterioration but it happens.... over time. My goal these days is to minimize the devastating affects this has had on my three little branches (Zack, Christian and Ellie) and to help them re root and grow into amazing adults. I know I'm Debbie downer right now. Still wallowing in the misery of losing the single most important person in my life so bear with me. My faith has been tested. I still occasionally scream at God. Begging for understanding. Complaining that He made a mistake. That He over reacted and that He MUST fix what He has broken. Yes, I even told Him He was acting like a dramatic hormonal teenage girl who made a grave decision without weighing the cost... MY COST! MY CHILDREN'S COST! I told Him, that He didn't NEED to take my husband from our family. I mean really, what divine message can be hidden in the robbing 2 teenage boys and a 10 month baby girl from Ethiopia from the love of their amazing daddy? How unfair is that? Why would our kind and merciful God let an orphan girl lose 2 daddies before the age of one? Nice guy right? Why would God take away the daddy to 2 teenage boys who desperately need a fathers love and guidance? Why would God take away the heart of a wife who was striving to grow daily to honor the kingdom of God via her marriage, children and faith in action? So it is with these questions, that I now linger in a faith haze. Squinting, climbing and clawing to find the reason, the logic or just a tiny smidgen of HOPE. Complete dismay and utter grief has me now questioning the one book I have hugged so many times in the past. The Bible was the one constant, other than my steadfast husband, that I could ALWAYS rely on. But understanding why the master of the universe would snatch my darling husband from our arms and steal him to heaven, remains a mystery.

I hope that as you read my journey, that together we will figure out the who what when where and WHY God is letting this happen. I NEED to uncover what is "His plan" (if I only had a nickle for every time I've heard this). So if you dare, I invite you to travel this long road of emotional healing and prayerfully spiritual enlightenment with me. The road ahead I expect has many dark turns, but my hope is that it leads me... us.... to a place of peace, mercy and His Amazing Grace!
my love, my heart, my beautiful husband went to heaven today........ i love you Dennis! FOREVER!

Until we meet again, forever yours
Rest in peace my love 


Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Soul Food

The insatiable pangs to understand, may never be satisfied.  So for now, I self soothe with coagulated alphabet.  Takes the edge off.  Pre occupies my thoughts, and offers glimmers of hope that maybe, just maybe, its not over.

A New Approach

Hello again!

Its been a really long time since I've blogged.  The reason for my abrupt absence was that I decided to take some very good advice from and anonymous reader who suggested I keep my angst and grief to my self.  To stop perpetuating a fraud.

So I stepped back, looked at the bits and pieces of my life story I had shared in the family blog, and decided that I totally agreed with the anonymous commenter.  It was way past time to stop the crap train and start writing about the real stuff.  The crazies I sludge through everyday.  An online diary of the voices in my simple head that search tirelessly for answers in a world of ..... endless questions.

I realize this new direction may bore you.  That's OK.  I'm not blogging for an audience.  Its for me.  My self help, open book therapy session.

Because behind the curtain and the numbing mantra of  "I'm good, I don't need any help" is a little girl  lost in a world with little purpose.

The only thing I know for sure is .... I KNOW NOTHING for sure


Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Strong , Courageous, Loyal, Determined, Blessed

These are only a few of the words I would use to describe my 16 year old.  He is growing into such an incredible young man.  Dedicated to God and family….. just like his papa.  THIS is the work of a heavenly father who never forgets and ALWAYS loves.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Reminders to hang on, stay strong, help is on the way.....

In the details.....

In the details is where I long to be confused.  Wrapped in delirium that muffles the sounds of that day, that phone call... that moment.

 Just after the dust settled from my own little Armageddon, I tried to write down the details, but couldn't. And today I still can't, won't. The panic of that day, etched permanently into the recesses of my shattered heart, never to be recounted.

No plans to move forward.  Stuck in the here and now. Lost in the reality of  unfathomable loss.

So as the world races by, I stand still.  Waiting, hoping,  longing for HIS promise.

No inspirational "from the ashes" story. Just the same broken record of  sadness I have babbled on about for over two years now.  The good news is that the kids remain mostly oblivious to my utter disdain for the story of "me". They are all thriving and amaze me daily with their resilience. They are my sustenance. Little reminders that I'm still loved and HE still holds all that is and yet to be.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

If my life was comfortable, settled and EASY then I would know, to the very depths of my soul, that I was not carrying my cross and following.  

Luke 9:23  Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me."




Saturday, June 30, 2012

Happy Birthday my beautiful girl!

Monday, May 21, 2012

A commodity rareley brokered. A diamond lost in a city of Babylon.
A commodity rareley brokered.  A diamond lost in a city of Babylon. 

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Is he/she really your soul mate?

Ever wonder if the person you married is REALLY your soul mate?

 I married my soul mate some twenty years ago.  The difference is that he died suddenly a year and a half ago and now I'm left to muster through this life literally separated from half my heart... 

What prompted me to write about this topic is a recent face book post I saw about a girl who lost her husband four years ago leaving her to raise small children alone.  Well, yesterday she remarried and I almost regurgitated reading all the FB comments toting their thankfulness that she was finally in love and happy again.  This baffles me beyond belief!  Her remarrying tells me clearly that although she loved and adored her "first" husband, he wasn't her soul mate!  If he were, SHE NEVER WOULD EVEN CONSIDER FOR A SINGLE SOLITARY MOMENT to remarry.  Losing a soul mate is like losing a leg; you cant replace it!  Yes, you can strap on a prosthetic one and hobble around pretending its your real leg, BUT ITS NOT!

So ask yourself this: is the man or woman you married the one and only to hold your heart for all the rest of your days?  And not just til death do you part? Or would you toss that cliche to the wind just because your lonely and it would be "easier" to have a companion again?

  There in lies the answer to the question! 

 If you answered yes, well then you are not one of the few who are blessed enough to marry their soul mate.  Yes you love him or her but its not a love that is irreplacable.  A Love that tears at your gut at the thought of being seperated.  A love that if apart, would leave you in a valley of shallow breathes all the rest of the days of your life.  A love that seperated, would plant you firmly in a steady ache and longing for reunion.  When God binds two hearts to become one, it is forever and not simply" till death do us part".

But if the answer was an emphatic NO and the thought of it turns your stomach and confuses the synapses in your brain, then you my friend just might be married to soul mate! A rare gift to be cherished and honored with commitment, loyalty and most of all gratitude.

If I had a nickle for every time I've heard " oh your young, you'll marry again" or "if my husband died I don't think I'd marry again because relationships are too much work" or "I'm not sure how my children would react".  These telling statements are so revealing about the person saying them.  They are like neon flashing confessions screaming "I DON'T KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO MARRY MY SOUL MATE". If you did, you would never say such ridiculous things, especially OUT LOUD and to a hopelessly devoted widow.

My reason for never marrying again is not because of the energy relationships take or the trials it might inadvertently bestow my children. No my reason is SOLELY because my husband is my heart, he is and always will be MY HUSBAND.  God has created and commanded our love. Marriage (created by the hands of God, not man) is not a process to be repeated for convenience.   Its a union of two souls created inseparable by the divine hands of  God. 

HE blessed Dennis and I with a love that emulates HIS undying, unwavering love for HIS children, DESPITE our separation. God reassures us that our love is timeless, eternal and that one day we will all be together again.
Because FOREVER could NEVER be long enough  

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Settling in.....

The kids have been home now for just over 6 weeks and as usual, God has exceeded my expectations!  They are amazingly well adjusted, super sweet and CONTENT!  Unlike their born and raised American teenage siblings, they don't need super size, neon flashing anything to make them happy.  Its precious to see their eyes light up with pure awe over the simplest of things like microwave popcorn, escalators and free/open access to a stocked fridge.  Why just yesterday I gave them each a dollar to put in their piggy banks and you would have thought I handed them a bar of gold.  So very thankful and purely genuine! It so obvious that the holy spirit dwells comfortably in their souls.  They never anger, their tongues never sharp and they always want to help when they see anyone in need.  Whether it be a little sister struggling to lug her scooter up the driveway or a tired mama cleaning the kitchen for the fifth time that day.  They eagerly and willing want to help others.  OLDER CHILD ADOPTION IS UNDER RATED!  I was leery that the kids would need a lot of help getting adjusted and had braced my self for the text book struggles thwarted by countless other testimonies.  But to date, I have to say they have been pure blessings and I wouldn't change a thing, no regrets!

As I write this however, I'm reminded of a post I did regarding the first 6 weeks after the adoption of Ellie Grace.  I recall toting the praise of this perfect child and how Dennis and I were both so amazed how easy she was.  A six month old who barely cried, never spit up but just cooed and smiled incessantly.  We both wondered why God had blessed us with a perfect child and that we felt so undeserving of little Ellie Grace.  Then tragically God showed ME the plan he had drawn for our family.  that He had filled my arms with this perfect little love because He was calling Dennis home and new that my broken heart wouldn't survive without the healing love of precious Ellie Grace.  His gift to me, a band aid for the wound that was to come just three short months after her arrival.  The single most beautiful gift I have ever known.  A gift that kept my legs moving and my lungs grasping for air so I could continue this walk in the valley for my children.  A twisted gift of the most precious kind.

And now, with the addition of two more amazing children into our family, I cant help but wonder what Gods up to this time.  Prayerfully Hes gentle.  He knows my heart and that I cant weather more fatal sanctification.  But for now I savor the blessings he gave me with every smile and hug from ALL my precious kiddos!

God is good, ALL THE TIME!

Saturday, April 7, 2012

We made it home! Crazy crazy week full of ilustrations of Gods teaching. Grateful for the shattering of fairy tale endings with no beginings. Endings soothed by the revealing of genuine hearts and those truly at the foot of His kingdom.In summary - this trip was amazing. Amazing in that my kiddos are finally home and thankful for the pockets of understandung HE shared along the way. LIFE isnt meant to be an old book collecting dust on a shelf. No its meant to be an audiobook with volume blasting sky high! The story is HIS and HE makes no mistakes!

Friday, April 6, 2012

We made it home! Crazy crazy week full of ilustrations of Gods teaching. Grateful for the shattering of fairy tale endings with no beginings. Endings soothed by the revealing of genuine hearts and those truly at the foot of His kingdom.
In summary - this trip was amazing. Amazing in that my kiddos are finally home and thankful for the pockets of understandung HE shared along the way.
LIFE isnt meant to be an old book collecting dust on a shelf. No its meant to be an audiobook with volume blasting sky high!

Monday, April 2, 2012

The Story Continues, IN JESUS NAME!

Received the final approval for the adoption of k and k on the 26th and was on a plane headed their way by the 28th! They were surprised to see us.
We've had a busy couple of days but one of the highlights was meeting the kids uncle and family. He truly loves the kids and after their parents passed away he made the heart breaking decision to put them in orphan care. Then without interruption, continued to visit them each month. Today they invited us to their home for a dinner prepared by his wife. Their hospitality was precious in that they have so little yet they still wanted to share. The uncle presented Kidus with a necklace that once belong to Kidus father and gave Kalkidan a pair of earrings that were her mothers. He had kept these items to pass on to them once k and k were grown. You could see the ache on his and his wifes face as they said, what could possibly be, their forever goodbyes. I pray that part of Gods amazing plan, is to quell the pain of separation and transform our salutations to " see you soon"

Taken at the home of k and k's uncles

Gods love and mercy is abundant and for that, I am eternally grateful!!!

The Story Continues, IN JESUS NAME!

Received the final approval for the adoption of k and k on the 26th and was on a plane headed their way by the 28th! They were surprised to see us.

We've had a busy couple of days but one of the highlights was meeting the kids uncle and family. He truly loves the kids and after their parents passed away he made the heart breaking decision to put them in orphan care. The without interruption, continued to visit them each month. Today they had us to their home for a dinner prepared by his wife. Their hospitality was precious in that they have so little that they still wanted to show us a glimpse of their hearts for the kids. The uncle presented Kidus with a necklace that once belong to Kidus father and gave Kalkidan a pair of earrings that were her mothers before she passed. You could see the ache on their faces as they said what could possibly be their forever goodbyes. I pray that part of Gods amazing plan, is to quell the pain of separation and transform our salutations to " see you soon"!

Taken at the home of k and k's uncles home

Gods love and mercy is abundant and for that, I am eternally grateful!!!!

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Siler News
Adoption Update ~ No new news to report. Still waiting for the Embassy to give us the green light to travel and bring the newest Siler kids home. We are packed and ready to go. Should be any day now!
Home Front Update ~ House is for sale. Looking to move to a warmer climate. I need sunshine more now than ever. I"m suffering from a severe vitamin D (dennis) deficiency :0)
Ellie is forming sentences, counting to 15 and POTTY TRAINED! Everyday she amazes me with her relentless sweet love.
Christian is enjoying 9th grade and is keeping his grades up despite his busy social calendar. He's been invited to the prom so we will be reserving a tuxedo and buying flowers in the coming days.
Zack is pondering attending YWAM Kona's 5 month program or joining the Air National Guard. Hes torn between the two. Praying God points him in the right direction. He's at such a tough age now trying to launch into a world so complicated.
Me.... well just me. Waiting for a deep breath. One filled with the life giving oxygen my soul craves. Longing to hear our saviour say "It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. I will give of the fountain of the water of life freely to him who thirsts". Rev 21:6

Thursday, February 9, 2012


Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Cant wait to do this again!

Friday, January 6, 2012

Hawaii truly is paradise.
It's no wonder I met the love of my life there!

In honor of what would have been Dens 46th birthday
and our 20th wedding anniversary, we sent balloons carrying our
LOVE to heaven
ALOHA O'E ~ Til we meet again