The sun rose again today, I'm not sure how.... or why... but it did, in the same predictable way it always does. The difference today is that it rose without my Dennis. My beautiful husband of almost 19 years. He left earth just 12 days ago, early in the morning while hunting. They (Dept. of Natural Resources) say he fell out of his hunting tree stand. Of course this is an unusual way to die, so even the national media outlets felt compelled to chat about it. Chat about it like any other tiny topic of interest then on to the next. As is everyone, on to the next.... life goes on.

Our family tree has forever been changed. You see Dennis was the trunk of our tree and when he left this earth, all the branches, ie his children and me, well we all fell. Fell heavy to the ground just like he did that cold morning of Sept 20th, 2010. Life as a branch without the trunk of its tree means only one thing.... the branches die too. Eventually the fallen branches dry up, crumble and become part of the earths landscape. This is a long process of deterioration but it happens.... over time. My goal these days is to minimize the devastating affects this has had on my three little branches (Zack, Christian and Ellie) and to help them re root and grow into amazing adults. I know I'm Debbie downer right now. Still wallowing in the misery of losing the single most important person in my life so bear with me. My faith has been tested. I still occasionally scream at God. Begging for understanding. Complaining that He made a mistake. That He over reacted and that He MUST fix what He has broken. Yes, I even told Him He was acting like a dramatic hormonal teenage girl who made a grave decision without weighing the cost... MY COST! MY CHILDREN'S COST! I told Him, that He didn't NEED to take my husband from our family. I mean really, what divine message can be hidden in the robbing 2 teenage boys and a 10 month baby girl from Ethiopia from the love of their amazing daddy? How unfair is that? Why would our kind and merciful God let an orphan girl lose 2 daddies before the age of one? Nice guy right? Why would God take away the daddy to 2 teenage boys who desperately need a fathers love and guidance? Why would God take away the heart of a wife who was striving to grow daily to honor the kingdom of God via her marriage, children and faith in action? So it is with these questions, that I now linger in a faith haze. Squinting, climbing and clawing to find the reason, the logic or just a tiny smidgen of HOPE. Complete dismay and utter grief has me now questioning the one book I have hugged so many times in the past. The Bible was the one constant, other than my steadfast husband, that I could ALWAYS rely on. But understanding why the master of the universe would snatch my darling husband from our arms and steal him to heaven, remains a mystery.

I hope that as you read my journey, that together we will figure out the who what when where and WHY God is letting this happen. I NEED to uncover what is "His plan" (if I only had a nickle for every time I've heard this). So if you dare, I invite you to travel this long road of emotional healing and prayerfully spiritual enlightenment with me. The road ahead I expect has many dark turns, but my hope is that it leads me... us.... to a place of peace, mercy and His Amazing Grace!