Today was Ellie's first trip to a pumpkin patch. A "first" her daddy missed. A prelude to the bitter sweet days to come. We have Ellie's 1st birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, our 19th wedding anniversary, Dens birthday and Zack's birthday, all by years end. This is A LOT of sadness to endure just over the span of a couple of months. I really don't think I'll make it without medication! No really, I'm not kidding! Yes I have been blessed with a couple days of "trance like" demeanor, but for the most part, I'm completely bathed in sadness. I truly cant find joy in anything anymore, including my children. When I watch them, all I see is Dennis and loss. I see how my darling sons have lost the most amazing dad ever. How Christian lost his hunting buddy and Zack his biggest fan in ice hockey. How little Ellie will never see, first hand , how crazy in love her daddy was with her. Now, every teenage and baby milestone only beckon waves of anguish.
Today, while I was supposed to be watching Zack play ice hockey, Ellie and I tipped toed out to Barnes and Noble. I bought a book call "Grief Observed" by C. S. Lewis. I read a couple of pages and I'm not sure if this is going to help or make matters worse but hey..... what have I got to lose? Maybe reading about someones elses grief will give me a much needed reprieve from my own! I'm desperate for a book that extols HOPE. And much to my surprise, the Bible is not that book. It appears to offer no consolation for the grieving widow. Perhaps that's why the shelves were littered with books on grief in the SELF help section? I don't know. But let me add this..... even though the Bible doesn't offer any eternal matrimonial HOPE, I still love Jesus and NOTHING will ever change that, NOTHING!
I know this post hasn't been very inspirational. But its honest (a little scattered) and that's what I promised at the start of this "journey". It represents just a glimpse into my heart as it fumbles through faith and grief. A heart that dies, a thousand times a day while clamouring pathetically for understanding. So tomorrows a new day, a day closer to clarity, to peace and to HOME!
Breathe..........
Wow! You are truly amazing. I can't imagine how you feel, I just pray that you find peace, and hope.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Thinking of you today...glad you bought the book...if it's too soon or too much- hold onto it for a later date...I just know that I often find comfort in knowing that I am not the only one feeling a certain way, questioning my faith or juat feeling plain crazy...AND God gave us modern medicine for a reason...;)Pop those pills as often as you need to!!!
ReplyDeleteTake Care,
Jill R
I remember those early days of grief after I lost my husband. There are the days where you stay busy and are surrounded by friends and family and you begin to feel partly normal, only to be hit with those huge waves of grief all over again. and again.
ReplyDeleteI know hearing others tell you that it will get better, that there will be happiness in life again is sometimes hard to believe and you think, "Well how do you know that? You aren't me and you can't possibly know that or know how I'm feeling." I have been there.
I was incredibly angry and I just could NOT understand or make sense out of why God would allow such a thing to happen to me and my family and to such a wonderful man, husband and father.
I read countless books about grief and being a young widow and one that I found really helpful was "I'm Grieving As Fast As I Can" by Linda Feinberg.
A lady came through the receiving line when my husband died and whispered in my ear, "a light will shine for you again some day". I found that highly unlikely at the time but she was so right. I pray the same for you.
My daddy died a year ago, way too early in my mind...My youngest brother started high school this year, and I can't help but feel achy inside when I am sitting at his soccer games...knowing my dad would have loved to be there to cheer him on. I will ALWAYS miss my dad, and there will be MANY milestones in my life he will miss. BUT, crazy as it sounds, I can now say I am THANKFUL for everything that has transpired...God has used my dad's death to transform my life in ways my daddy would be so incredibly proud of...I truly would not be where I am today without my dad and his illness/death. All this to say that I am praying HARD for your 3 kids. I know none of you in a MILLION years would ever choose this road--I know I never would have chosen the one I have walked--but I am praying that God brings beauty from ashes in your life and the lives of your kids. I know God can perform that miracle of ashes-to-beauty transformation because He has done it in me! And while I don't know all the correct "heaven theology," I don't really care because I am trusting that God has our best in mind...and I think your Dennis will have a "front row seat" as the blooms start to appear!
ReplyDeleteMy heart just breaks for you. I am a big fan of medication when it's needed, so I think there is nothing wrong with consulting a good counselor. Praying for you in the difficult season to come.
ReplyDeleteAnd in every day HIs mercies are new. Keep clinging to Him.
ReplyDelete