It's official.....

I give up!

I surrender!

Grief wins, I lose! I thought I could trudge through this valley armed solely with a ton of prayer, unbend able faith and the good Book. I mean this should be enough, right? Well its not. I die a little more every second of everyday. At first, I thought I was just dying to self and that this was a good healing and cleansing process. But 19 weeks later, I'm still spiraling deeper and deeper into darkness. Complete disdain for all things of this world. It prevents me from existing in even a quasi normal state of mind. So I broke down and made an appointment to see my doctor. I have to, I have kids to raise! They deserve a fully engaged momma. Not the lethargic, sorrow soaked momma I have been. Frankly, everyone around me deserves a break from my current state of "being". All of my hope since September 20th has been solely on the end times, the rapture, death, going HOME. All the while, people are TRYING to live their lives but cant help but notice pitiful lil ole me curled up in the corner, fixated on my demise. I know that I cant stay in this stunted frame of mind forever. So I'm hoping that modern medicine will help me to at least carry on without oozing utter heartbreak and leaving a puddle of sadness, everywhere I go.

Part of me says that I probably shouldn't be sharing this information with you. And by announcing that I need anti gravity medication just to maintain a basic level of normal in my existence, could possibly come back to haunt me. But today, I DON'T CARE! It is what it is. So IF, by chance, you start to notice my post a little less "EMO" and a tiny bit more positive, remember its drug induced. It's a new temporary state of mind that's masking the anguish, heart ache and sorrow that seeps from my every pore.

PLEASE keep praying for our family. I know God is listening. If he weren't, I/we would be so much worse off. I have seen the face of people that grieve with out faith. That face, believe it or not, looks so much more stricken than mine. That face has no hope and has no reason to even TRY and live.

I have hope. Hope for heaven, hope to see my Dennis again and faith that he is so much happier where he is now, cradled in the goodness of the kingdom. THIS is what fills my lungs each day. THIS is what tells me to get out of bed, get dressed, and LOVE OUR CHILDREN!