My Relentless Journey of Grief

Imagine being pushed off a cliff, falling yet never hitting the ground. Just a constant sinking feeling as you plummet never reaching your fatal destination. That's what grief feels like to me. Its been just over four months since my love left and the ache honestly is not better, just very different.

I know that I'll never get over this, it is part of who I am now.

I have lost more than half my heart and its simply irreparable. But since my eyes still open each morning and since my lungs still reach for air, carry on I must. Trudging away deeper into the wind yet closer to home through this mundane task they call living. Most days, I put on a faux smile and head out to play happy with the world. Its an exhausting exercise but necessary for the welfare of my children and the people in my circle. For the most part, I do a good job of masking my pain from my kids but have admittedly blabbed woefully too much to my friends. As a result, I have noticed that my constant "Debbie Downer" mantra is wearing on my them and I totally get it. I'm sorry. I don't even want to be with me so I certainly understand others not wanting too. I'm not the Tracy you knew. That girl died on September 20th. The new me isn't fun and interesting. Just crammed pack with grief and a new understanding on human relevance. I think of this new understanding as "enlightenment" you however might call it down right depressing. So I have started to distance myself a bit. And not for completely selfish reasons. Its a gesture of good will. I don't want to be the melancholy dramatist in the room. I want you to laugh, joke and carry on with the blessings of happiness you have been bestowed.

God is good and loves us all differently. My heavenly father is showing/teaching me a little less conventionally than most. But its still love, its still blessings just harder to enjoy by traditional means. At week eighteen, I'm journeying into new type of grief. Initially, my grief was panicky and filled with anxiety. Today, I have moved in to a much deeper grief, I think its called sorrow. Deep deep sorrow for the loss of everyday things. Everyday things that remind me that my love is gone and that I am alone in this dark world. I can almost visualize this new grief. It's like a huge gray blanket that hovers over my whole world. It is stretched taut over my life, it provides no comfort or warmth. Just vacuums the air from my lungs, depletes ALL my energy and leaves me perpetually empty.

And though my dreams vanished in an instant, there is still hope . I still remain in awe of my saviour. He, the sculptor of my heartache and still I am so utterly thankful. A kaleidoscope of intense emotions twisted and heated creating a recipe for eternal perfection. A mangled mess that might confuse most, but somehow I see with extreme clarity. I love it and hate it all the same. But behind it all is the masters hand and because I know this, I can't turn away. Its all pure GOD. A beautiful gift disguised in horrific loss. A chance to learn and see what I might not have otherwise known. A sneak peek of sorts that allows me to dig into a relationship with Him beyond understanding. A sweet and gentle heavenly father generously sharing mercy and unconditional love. Not the judgemental rule obsessed God portrayed by many religions, but a tender loving father that is all encompassing. A father that I long to be with, not just read about and say "yeah yeah, some day but not right now". What he has done in me is truly amazing and this I mean with every ounce of whats left of my heart.

The biggest struggle in all this is coping with the forever lonely. My life companion is gone forever. I'm always alone. No husband to crawl through this valley with. The loss of a COMPLETE relationship. Left alone to self sooth like an institutionalized orphan. Lying alone, with no touch. Only occasional human interactions that are basic and superficial. Just bringing in and ushering out, each day with no real relationship. So if I can just get over the lonely hub bub, I MIGHT be able to get through the rest of this life gig without creating too many casualties along the way!

Finally, through the carnage of my brokenness, somehow I have managed to surface loving Jesus more than ever before! I thank Him everyday for taking me through this valley. He is teaching, and I am learning. He has my full attention and I'm prepared for any lesson He has for me !

NO MATTER WHAT!

James 1:2-4
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.