Sitting in Hawaii searching desperately for comfort in being in the place where my Dennis and I first met. I have been here for days and still little solace. I am overwhelmed in being here and knowing hes not with us. At dinner last night, the boys and I silently wept. No one said anything but we all knew what each other was feeling. That the empty chair at our table should have daddy in it. Oh how he would have loved the Hawaiian music the band was playing, the delicious food and just relaxing as a family. We all miss him beyond words. The wound this has left on our hearts is irreparable. There is no cure. Not even time will mend this wound. Hope in HIS promise is all we have left. I ache for my beautiful boys. I pray daily that God blanket them in peace. I pray that of all my many many prayers, that this prayer is heard and answered first and foremost. Its devastating to lose soul mate but it hurts tenfold when on top of your personal loss, you have to watch your children wither under deaths wrath. Lord please have mercy on them!

I gaze at the bright island night stars as Dennis and I did some 20 years ago. I observe couples, happy couples, or so it seems, holding hands and embracing. Love and companionship God has chosen for me not to have. For some reason, he wants me to be without a life companion. He knows the anguish in my soul yet lets me carry on day in and day out without reprieve. I long to be in heaven with Him and Dennis. Never have I felt so "out of place". Like I just don't belong here. I feel like a sideline observer blended into earths landscape disconnected from the usual niceties of living and waiting for release. A sentence of longevity being served in trance. Like the neverending tick of a time piece, days march on to a mundane rhythm bathed in loss and unspeakable heartache.

And so it is, that although today I sit in earthly paradise, I still long insatiably for heavenly paradise, waiting...