The deepest darkest place a broken heart can go. A place I was heaved in to and seemingly left without recourse. A place where the air is stifling thick and gravity heavy beyond measure. A place that churns in the pit of my stomach like an incessant roller coaster ride. A place that swallowed me whole, September 20th, 2010.

The facade that all is well is slowly unraveling despite my arduous attempts. Like crashing waves, I can no longer hold back the ravaging tide. They say there is hope. That "time" will collect the pieces of my shattered heart and mend it like new. I simply can not imagine this to be true, at least not for me. My love is gone mortally forever and there plainly is no other. I hear the echos of his life in everything I see and do. His memory haunts me and brings me comfort collectively. I pray daily, no I BEG daily, for steadfast mercy. And although drenched in silence and wallowing in nothingness, I still feel Him here. I know the Teacher is in the room and perhaps this deafening silence is intentional, designed purposely to help me learn. He is not comforting me yet undoubtedly carrying me.

Thus far, as I crawl through this valley, I have learned that His plans for me are not grand. No mission field to conquer, no orphans to save and no novel to write. Simply to steward in each day caring for my children and working to live a life that glorifies Him.

I want to believe that all this happened for a reason, perhaps a divine greater good. That part of Dens legacy was placed in my hands and that I am called to fulfill a destiny. But sensibly, the reality is in stark contrast. So instead, I "chase the wind" like so many others. Painstakingly striving to keep my thoughts shallow and outside the reality of my loss.

So again today, my eyes cry the tears of the widow.......

A widow with no sign of repair, just bushels and buckets of utter despair.