~ FAITH ~ HOPE ~ LOVE ~

2012-01-06T00:37:00.010-05:00

Hawaii truly is paradise.

It's no wonder I met the love of my life there!

In honor of what would have been Dens 46th birthday

and our 20th wedding anniversary, we sent balloons carrying our

LOVE to heaven

~The POWER OF LOVE~

ALOHA O'E ~ Til we meet again

2011-12-23T09:13:00.001-05:00

Returned from Ethiopia recently where we met the kids and attended court for their adoption. We passed court and are now anxiously awaiting a call from the department of state authorizing us to travel for our embassy appointment and bring the kids home! It just doesnt seem right leaving them in the orphanage when they legally and spiritually belong with us. Praying that we receive the travel call SOON! They are amazing. God is amazing! His plan, painful yet perfect.

Also traveled to visit Ellie's birth family. Four hour drive in a van then rented motor bikes for a 30 minute ride on dirt roads to the village. Amazing people and honored to call them family!

2011-11-29T08:15:00.002-05:00

Happy Birthday Ellie Grace!

2011-10-10T08:02:00.007-04:00

L~I~F~E

Crew playing b ball in the drive way

Crew hiding from camera

Ellies first hay ride

Zack at the pumpkin patch

Ellies first hair appointment (getting extensions)

Beautiful new hair do!

Ellies first bike ride with mama

Jamie had his bike repainted in honor of Den

In an attempt to "simplify" life, we recently gave our gold fish to the pet store, gave one of our dogs away to a friend and when our remaining dog leaves for doggy heaven (shes 16 years old), NO MORE PETS!

Also, the boys and I have been planning an extended vacation. Perhaps a long term lease somewhere with loads of sunshine and ocean. Not sure exactly the plan since we still have a couple of really important things up in the air. Most importantly, we hope to travel soon for the adoption of k and k and then more recently, Zack's decision to attend a 5 month program in DTS (discipleship training school) with YWAM in Ethiopia.

Still miss our Dennis every minute of every day. In everything we do as a family, the void created by his absence, screams heartache. So busy I stay, trying to fill our days with things that quell the sadness and hurry the days

Sustained by GRACE!

2011-09-19T16:04:00.009-04:00

Seems like just yesterday......

It's been a year of dying to self. A year of gut wrenching suffering marked by the loneliest of lonely. A velvet blanket of sorrow coiled into hours, days and now a year of existence.

Yet woven into the anguish, HE continues to stitch sweet gifts wrapped in divine love, mercy and relentless grace.

Let me begin by explaining that this story of sanctification, is not penned by me. I am simply the vehicle in which the story is bound. If I were at the helm of this twisted tale, I certainly would not have written a story ripe with heartache and loss. My story would have been an expose on the shiny lifeless things of this world and the fleeting satisfaction they bring. No, this tragic story of love and loss has been sketched by the steady hand of our lord and saviour. And for this, I am eternally grateful.

From the ashes.......... Time after time, like salve to a gaping would, He has bathed us in reassurance and hope. All the while collecting the shattered pieces of our existence, reassembling our hearts and changing the coordinates of our lives.

If you recall, in a past post I eluded to our evolving family portrait?

"Gods plan for a beautiful union of broken and tattered souls. A melding of lives and hearts designed to complete His will with colorful illustrations of mercy, and unyielding love. Each of us, brought together in a bouquet of withering lilies, still splattered with the mud from our walks in the valley, yet stretched upward and taut, reaching desperately for the warmth of the sun provided by the heavens".

And so it is, despite it all, HE again reveals his masterful and PERFECT plan.

HE has convicted my heart, cleared the path and shown us the beautiful faces of two little flowers that belong in our family portrait.

Some, those deeply rooted in this world, did not have hearts that leaped for joy when I told them what God was up to. Instead, they defaulted to words of caution. Warning me to consider finances and the infancy of our grief. I appreciated their concern and even considered their advice (for a split second). But God quickly and boldly stifled the chatter and cleared the way. Reminding me that following His will is never nice and tidy. It never looks like a 401K or investment portfolio. No, His treasure is in the hearts of His children.

And so it is that another chapter begins. Not a chapter without our Dennis, but because of him. With hearts filled with cherished memories, and lessons of love taught by his beautiful spirit, OUR story continues.

In Christ,
Tracy

My Dennis, my heart aches desperately without you.
I long to see you again, to hold you again.
I am forever yours.
Til we meet again my LOVE.........

2011-09-03T21:58:00.016-04:00

Passing Time

First Braids

2011-08-11T20:51:00.009-04:00

Today, while chatting with a friend who is also my unofficial spiritual guru, we discussed how God is so very very good. That in the hush of the day, if we listen, we will hear Him in almost every minute of the day. His faithfulness is beyond words...............

This morning, I received news that brought me to my knees. I was humbled and ashamed feeling utterly unworthy of his grace. Undeserving of the bounty of blessings He bestows.

Here's why ~

Yesterday, I woke to yet another day bathed in sorrow and although my body was rested, my spirit was unusually weary. I did not have the emotional strength to face another day of suffering armed solely with hope and promise. This day, I wanted to understand why He would let me, his daughter, to be so sad for so long. And although I knew why he took my Dennis home, my selfish woe stirred up a cauldron of anger and doubt.

So in childish spite, I decided intentionally not to pray. I began to wonder if maybe my endless suffering was just the result of my unhealthy desire to be a part of something I'm not...... SALVATION. Perhaps my yearning for heaven was like applying for membership in an exclusive club that I could NEVER gain membership. Pathetically trying to get in to a VIP room not realizing that my name is NOT on the list. I even entertained the idea that maybe there is such a thing as "Gods Elect", and that only a few pre ordained humans will enter the narrow path to heaven (Harold Camping). That perhaps all my prayers were wasted whispers, whispers that fell into nothingness. Simply that I would never to be part of the exclusive club of the "saved" and I should stop wasting energy hoping for an impossible relationship.

And then this morning, He, our relentless, faithful loving heavenly father woke undeserving lil ole me, to news of another blessing! More intentional proof that He is intricately sewing the thread of my life and that I should embrace every morsel of my sorrow. That I should take comfort in knowing that this garment is tailored made for me and that the burden of my life, IS for his glory.

My hope in sharing a glimpse of my brokenness is that as you trudge through the valleys of your life, that you remember that He can restore you, He loves you and He forgives you. He will hold you. He is always, always with you. Remember, the valley is your gift of sanctification. Hear its call and reach sternly through the haze for behind every breath, He waits.

In Jesus name!

2011-07-31T21:30:00.003-04:00

Happy 15th Birthday Christian!

2011-07-18T21:30:00.012-04:00

Zack has been in Africa now for just over a month! And just as HE promised, Zack is doing well. He seems so content and peaceful.

In fact, the only time Zack has even mentioned coming home early, was when he learned that his friend, Cody, was killed in a car accident. But realizing that there is nothing he can do for his friend, Zack decided to stay.

God is busy at work with Zack. The people of Africa are ministering and providing witness to Gods amazing grace. God is using them, to tenderize his broken heart.

The mission field can be a place of deep healing. It pulls back the layers of life and exposes our existence for its true purpose. A life to be lived, loved, fought and WON in Jesus name!

2011-07-11T21:52:00.005-04:00

Zack Meeting the child we sponsor through Yezelelam Minch

James 1:27
Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

2011-07-08T20:38:00.011-04:00

Despite the cry lodged permanently in my throat. Despite the incessant ache in my heart. I have been left to carry on without the only love of my life, my sweet sweet Dennis.

A year ago, the picture of my family looked much different than it does today. Today, Dennis is gone and in his place is our little Ellie Grace. Yet still, this portrait is not complete. God is deliberately etching more faces into our family portrait. A portrait not by my design, but solely by His!

Gods plan for a beautiful union of broken and tattered souls. A melding of lives and hearts designed to complete His will with colorful illustrations of mercy, and unyielding love. Each of us, brought together in a bouquet of withering lilies, still splattered with the mud from our walks in the valley, yet stretched upward and taut, reaching desperately for the warmth of the sun provided by the heavens.

Ultimately, His painting will be a masterpiece. A work of art unusually laden with broken hearts. Individually a tangled mess yet collectively, a sight to behold. My family, as He intended it with He at the helm as the masterful father leading us to green pastures.

Jesus has the reigns of my life. My life truly and willfully is not my own. And although my knees are weak and my hands no longer strong, steadfast I stand in hope of an eternal tomorrow!

2011-06-21T22:51:00.017-04:00

There is a scripture that has baffled me for months now? Well, not so much the scripture but rather the Christian communities zeal to claim its interpretation as gospel without regard to scripture contrary.

Matthew 22:23-32, Time and time again, people have felt the need to remind me that Matthew 22 states " there is no marriage in heaven". And here lies my issue with DEFINITIVE statements of "so called" fact regarding scripture. Two thousand years and countless translations/interpretations later, how can anyone say with finite confidence that their interpretation of the scripture is without flaw?

Matthew 22:23-32 " That same day the Sadducee's, who say there is no resurrection, came to him with a question. “Teacher,” they said, “Moses told us that if a man dies without having children, his brother must marry the widow and raise up offspring for him. Now there were seven brothers among us. The first one married and died, and since he had no children, he left his wife to his brother. The same thing happened to the second and third brother, right on down to the seventh. Finally, the woman died. Now then, at the resurrection, whose wife will she be of the seven, since all of them were married to her?” Jesus replied, “You are in error because you do not know the Scriptures or the power of God. At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven. But about the resurrection of the dead—have you not read what God said to you, ‘I am the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob’[b]? He is not the God of the dead but of the living.”

So here is what I know....

God loves love. And so it was that he created the union of man and woman (Genesis 2:18). A union made as a part of his original creation on the perfect earth as it was BEFORE the darkness came in the Garden of Eden.

Revelations 21 tells us that God will one day create a new earth. By this, earth will be restored to His original creation. So my question is then why would the new earth not once again include the union of man and woman? If it was good (Genesis 1:31) then why would he change the plan when the new earth is created? When earth was first created, there was NO DEATH. Yet He still created the union of man and woman as a part of His perfect plan. He didn't create an earth that centered only in worship of Him as individuals. But rather He created human relationships that TOGETHER, worshipped and honored Him through their love for one another.

In Matthew 22, a reference is made regarding ignorance of scripture. By this, I am reminded of Matthew 19:6 "So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate". In other words, regardless of what Moses says, GOD said in His SCRIPTURE that a woman is not to marry over and over again as a matter of fulfilling Moses command. Rather,of those seven marriages, only that which God has put together, is eternal.

In 1 Corinthians 7:8 we are told "Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried". So the scenario the Sadducee's brought to Jesus is not one with scriptural foundation, hence their ignorance. Perhaps a woman who marries seven times, for the sole purpose of fulfilling Moses commands and producing children will not see heaven at the resurrection?

I don't understand why so many Christians choose to follow scripture that bind man and woman and makes them ONE (Genesis 2:24) ONLY WHEN OUR BODIES ARE ALIVE. But are quick to point to Matthew 22 upon death, as if the beautiful gift of marriage ends in an instant upon physical death. Just like that....with a flip of a switch, all the scripture that labors about love and marriage becomes obsolete simply because Matthew 22 hints of it? Because of a group of non believers (Sadducee's) created a mock scenario, counter to scripture, in an attempt to fool Jesus?

And still some say, "what about divorce. If you divorce and remarry then go to heaven, who would be your spouse". Again I go back to scripture Matthew 19:6 "What God has put together, let no man put asunder". So many marriages are created by the free will of man and not by the divine hands of God. As a result, we see divorce. But what God has created, divorce can not destroy. When God truly binds two hearts to one, this is His creation. A perfect creation with eternal consequences.

If marriage is just a game we play while we walk this earth then why are the book shelves littered with Christian writers swooning over the important Bible principles of marriage? Why are so many preachers laboring hour after hour preaching how to live a Godly marriage. Why so much effort, if according to many, at the blink of an eye, our marriages, (AKA mortal life partners) is eternally complete.

I have prayed over this for months. I have prayed for discernment and that the truth, His truth, be revealed to me without taint of mortal confusion and will. I keep trying to see what so many others see in this verse. That marriage ends when bodies die. But He keeps encouraging me with beautiful confirmations. Many of you will never understand what I am saying. But he patiently keeps leading me to the same conclusion. The conclusion that marriage does not end just because one of the two co joined hearts stops beating. Marriage was in the beginning and is in the end, an intricate part of His perfect plan.

In Christ.....

2011-06-16T16:07:00.008-04:00

~Life Launch~

Zack graduated from High School and less than a week later....

He's off to Africa to work in an orphanage with the Ordinary Hero Foundation

Zack, Lauren and Whitney ~ Dulles Intl Airport

Thank you Kelly and OH team for making this happen!

2011-06-04T19:08:00.001-04:00

~Then~

JUNE 4TH, 2010

~Now~

JUNE 4TH, 2011

To say it's been a crazy first year would be a radical understatement! With Ellies sweet arrival and then, just three months later, daddy's sudden and tragic departure, tears of joy turned instantly into a steady flow of sorrow. But if ever I needed proof that God is real, well now I indeed have it.

Hind sight is 20/20. And looking back now at how the whole story leading up to Dens departure, was so masterfully and delicately written for us, simply takes my breath away. The story is long and one day I will share, in sequence, all the amazing plans the Lord made in preparation for September 20th, 2010. Right now, its still too raw. The bitter sweet gifts from a savior. Gifts so intentional that most of it leaves me speechless. All of which began one quiet Saturday morning as I sat alone drinking coffee at the kitchen table. I'll never forget the moment God whispered adoption into my heart. And so it was, from that day forward, events designed to cradle our soon to be broken hearts, began to unfold. Events that paved the way to my little angel, Miss Ellie Grace. Truly a gift from God. When Ellie joined our family, Dennis and I marveled at how "perfect" she was ALL THE TIME. Everyone around us was amazed at what an unusually sweet child she was. She adjusted to every disruption and settled in to our family as if she had been in our arms forever. She simply seemed too good to be true (PAE). But its all so very clear now. Miss Ellie had a mission ordained by the heavens. A mission to provide joy in the midst of sorrow and comfort in the midst of lonley. She is a constant reminder, that GOD IS SO VERY GOOD!

Thank you Lord for caring so much for my little family and providing such amazing eternal gifts. Thank you for allowing me to see your relentless heart through the cloud of tears. Thank you for being so intentional.

Memorial Day..............

2011-05-31T21:43:00.003-04:00

With much dread, we embarked on the long holiday weekend by staying busy. Carnival, Lancaster shopping, the amazing Cafe Chocolate and finally.... Arlington to visit the gravesite of my beloved husband.

Ellie and Nana

Ball pit at the carnival

Cousin Theis and Ellie Grace

Ellie lovin her daddy (sorta)

a lil tidying up

Big kiss

Sigh.........

LOVE LOVE LOVE our Dennis!

2011-04-27T16:24:00.005-04:00

Received word today that Miss Ellie Grace

is officially a citizen of the

United States!

Glory be to God in the Highest!

2011-03-09T12:34:00.010-05:00

Over the past six months, as I trudged through this valley of shadows, I have prayed desperately for God to bring mercy and peace to my broken heart. And much to my surprise, He has done just that, however by means I certainly NEVER expected!

Let me begin with sharing with you that at one point, while wrapped in grief, I resigned my self to the fact that God alone was not enough to bandage my anguished soul. This, I concluded as I labored day in and day out, begging for reprieve, to no avail, So approximately five months into my saga, I decided to give what I call "anti gravity" medicine a try. The medicine worked very well, perhaps too well. I became a monotone robot. A vertical corpse that processed the daily task of life sufficiently and without pause. And yet somewhere buried in my subconscious, I knew that this was not how God intended me to be. That He wanted me to be available for Him emotionally. That He wanted to talk to the me He created and not the zombie I had willfully made myself. I was disconnected on so many levels and was missing out on a gift that was designed to teach me and show me His heart.

As a result, in another huge dose of irony, I found myself longing for my old broken self. The one who cried incessantly, smiled rarely but loved intensely and longed for my Saviour. So I jumped off the medicines and after about three days, I was back! Back with a new perspective on my "situation" and appreciative of natural God given emotions.

I know to many this sounds odd, but today the sorrow I once ran from, I now embrace. I don't ever want to be living happily ever after. For my happily ever after resides solely in the Kingdom of Heaven and so it is that my days on this earth are forever committed to Him alone! I pray that I always swim against the tide and with every hurdle along the way, I surface loving Him more than imaginable!

So the biggest revelation at the end of my four week journey of drug induced contentment was this. That I pray with every ounce of my heart "Lord, if a life filled with sorrow and anguish keeps me close to you, then I gladly stay rooted here. I will endure any and all that you have. I want to stay next to you and never let go of your gentle hand. Lord if a life of ease will distract me from you, for even a moment of time, I don't want it! Keep me nestled in your arms, let me suffer and see your glory in all that is yours".

I clearly prefer my life walk over one that wreaks of prosperity, abundance and contentment. For it is hear that I have learned eternal lessons. It is here that my eyes have been opened , that the narrow path has welcomed me home and it is here that I wish to stay!

Glory be to God in the HIGHEST!

2011-02-26T07:46:00.026-05:00

Turning Pain into Power.....

As I have wallowed in the heartache of my sudden tragic loss, I cant help but think that what I have experienced is only a sliver of what a widow in a third world country endures. Yes I'm a widow but I'm not drenched in extreme poverty. I'm not fighting deadly disease and I'm not forced to give my children away because I can not provide for them. I am a widow of a much different kind. And through my 23 week journey of grief, God has gently kept reminding me that it could be sooo much worse. In this, is His lesson.

Little Big Gifts
God knew that Den was the only man that would ever fill my heart. So He showed me the plight of the orphan and He filled my arms with the love of a little angel. I cant help but feel like with every little hug and every little butterfly kiss, that behind it all, is God saying, "REMEMBER".

God has shown me His plan!

Jesus LOVES the little children and so will I!

Thank you Lord for your steadfast mercy and relentless grace!

JAMES 1:27

Week 22......................

2011-02-21T14:35:00.012-05:00

Christian and Ellie 12/03/2010

Comfortably Numb
This means the meds are totally doing their job. I'm so disconnected from emotion that nothing seems to ruffle my feathers. I'm a bit of a robot. Even writing this post is an arduous task. I used to look forward to pouring my heart out in my online journal. It was therapeutic. But now, I just don't have anything to say. There's nothing to complain about, nothing to rejoice about. Just lingering in a welcome state of mediocrity. I'm not complaining. I much rather be in this trance than in a fetal position wrapped in anguish. This stunted state of being allows me to carry on with the mundane everyday task of existing. Just what the doctor ordered!

On a lighter note, I just finished reading "Heaven is For Real" by Todd Burpo. Actually, I read the entire book in one sitting. I was desperately seeking a glimpse into heaven. Hoping to understand a tiny bit of what and where my Dennis is. I enjoyed the book and wasn't left completely empty handed. Still reading the Bible as much as possible but looking for new read. Any suggestions? I like all things to do with spiritual growth and eternal perspectives. And as you can imagine, I am NOT interested in ROMANCE NOVELS!

btw - Lori thank you for the generous memorial donation to YM!

In Christ!

2011-02-16T19:03:00.006-05:00

Yesterday, I drove to the Dulles Airport Sheraton to visit with my mother who was in town getting ready to head out on her first mission trip. She left today with a Visiting Orphans team to Ethiopia. Before they left, I had the chance to meet several people from her travel team. I have to say it was refreshing to get a glimpse at the pure and genuine hearts of these folks. Ordinary Christians spending their hard earned money to travel to a distant land for the sole purpose of being HIS hands and feet! All of them sacrificing time with their own families to spend time with "the least of these". Not just talking the talk but actually LIVING James 1:27!

In a world whose undercurrent can be suffocating, the smiles on their willing faces gave me a sense of comfort. Comfort in knowing that despite the mountains of heartache and destruction in this world, Gods people still and will always prevail!

Thank you to the amazing servants who show us HIS love, through your selfless works!

2011-02-13T16:13:00.011-05:00

Often times, actually most of the time, people look at me sideways when I say things like "oh how I can't wait to go to heaven" or "wouldnt that be amazing if Jesus came back today". From the looks on their faces, I can tell that they think something is wrong with me. Heck, I even start to think maybe my desire for things, NOT of this world, is unhealthy. Ahhhh but then my doubt is promplty qwelled when I am reminded of beautiful scripture such as this;

James 4:4-5 You adulterous people,don’t you know that friendship with the world means enmity against God? Therefore, anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God.

And there you have it, I'M NOT CRAZY! I just love Jesus WAAYYY more than anything in this world. I long to be WITH Him. Reading about Him, studying, loving Him from a distance hurts my heart. I need more, that's all. Its not radical, its just the way He intended it. In contrast, I have a hard time understanding people, Christians, who don't long to be with our savior. Who would rather stay on earth battling the enemy day in and day out. Yes, life is a gift and we are to live it as best we can to honor Him each and every minute of every day. But to say you would rather remain on earth than to be with Him, seems to me, opposite what the gospel commands.

The whole reason He created us was for Him, so why do we not live solely FOR HIM?

2011-02-09T19:38:00.008-05:00

Well I've been on "anti gravity" medication for about a week now and I have to say, I'm pleasantly surprised by how effective it's been . It's definitely taking the edge off. I still miss my Dennis every minute of every day but at least I no longer sob incessantly. The medicine makes me feel disconnected and numb, which is exactly what I was hoping for.

BTW ~ For all those wondering, and for all those that have ALREADY inquired, I WILL NOT BE DATING AND I WILL NEVER MARRY AGAIN! You see (and I hope you do some day), if your ever lucky enough to meet and marry your SOUL MATE, there simply is NO OTHER human in the world for you. It goes without question. My friends that know Dennis and me, who know our love, well..... they already know I would never "move on" into a new relationship. There is no place to "move on" to. Most importantly, God knew that I would never marry again. And so it is that He purposefully placed Miss Ellie Grace in my arms, just before He called Dennis home. He knew that I would never love another man and my sweet and gentle saviour didn't want me to be alone. THIS is the single most incredible gift He could have given me!

So please remember, my husband is in Heaven and I am still married. It's simply that our season on earth together, is over. But together again we will be one day!

2011-01-31T16:50:00.011-05:00

It's official.....

I give up!

I surrender!

Grief wins, I lose! I thought I could trudge through this valley armed solely with a ton of prayer, unbend able faith and the good Book. I mean this should be enough, right? Well its not. I die a little more every second of everyday. At first, I thought I was just dying to self and that this was a good healing and cleansing process. But 19 weeks later, I'm still spiraling deeper and deeper into darkness. Complete disdain for all things of this world. It prevents me from existing in even a quasi normal state of mind. So I broke down and made an appointment to see my doctor. I have to, I have kids to raise! They deserve a fully engaged momma. Not the lethargic, sorrow soaked momma I have been. Frankly, everyone around me deserves a break from my current state of "being". All of my hope since September 20th has been solely on the end times, the rapture, death, going HOME. All the while, people are TRYING to live their lives but cant help but notice pitiful lil ole me curled up in the corner, fixated on my demise. I know that I cant stay in this stunted frame of mind forever. So I'm hoping that modern medicine will help me to at least carry on without oozing utter heartbreak and leaving a puddle of sadness, everywhere I go.

Part of me says that I probably shouldn't be sharing this information with you. And by announcing that I need anti gravity medication just to maintain a basic level of normal in my existence, could possibly come back to haunt me. But today, I DON'T CARE! It is what it is. So IF, by chance, you start to notice my post a little less "EMO" and a tiny bit more positive, remember its drug induced. It's a new temporary state of mind that's masking the anguish, heart ache and sorrow that seeps from my every pore.

PLEASE keep praying for our family. I know God is listening. If he weren't, I/we would be so much worse off. I have seen the face of people that grieve with out faith. That face, believe it or not, looks so much more stricken than mine. That face has no hope and has no reason to even TRY and live.

I have hope. Hope for heaven, hope to see my Dennis again and faith that he is so much happier where he is now, cradled in the goodness of the kingdom. THIS is what fills my lungs each day. THIS is what tells me to get out of bed, get dressed, and LOVE OUR CHILDREN!

2011-01-30T19:38:00.015-05:00

Released from the burdens of this world

Freed from the snare of my heart

Nevermore to be mine

Forever more to be His

Returned to the place from whence he came

Home at last.............

photo taken in Madrid, Spain

snippet from one of his many love letters

2011-01-27T16:46:00.004-05:00

Den slipped this in my suitcase without me knowing.

I didnt find it until I was unpacking in Ethiopia

June 2010

2011-01-18T19:55:00.029-05:00

My Relentless Journey of Grief

Imagine being pushed off a cliff, falling yet never hitting the ground. Just a constant sinking feeling as you plummet never reaching your fatal destination. That's what grief feels like to me. Its been just over four months since my love left and the ache honestly is not better, just very different.

I know that I'll never get over this, it is part of who I am now.

I have lost more than half my heart and its simply irreparable. But since my eyes still open each morning and since my lungs still reach for air, carry on I must. Trudging away deeper into the wind yet closer to home through this mundane task they call living. Most days, I put on a faux smile and head out to play happy with the world. Its an exhausting exercise but necessary for the welfare of my children and the people in my circle. For the most part, I do a good job of masking my pain from my kids but have admittedly blabbed woefully too much to my friends. As a result, I have noticed that my constant "Debbie Downer" mantra is wearing on my them and I totally get it. I'm sorry. I don't even want to be with me so I certainly understand others not wanting too. I'm not the Tracy you knew. That girl died on September 20th. The new me isn't fun and interesting. Just crammed pack with grief and a new understanding on human relevance. I think of this new understanding as "enlightenment" you however might call it down right depressing. So I have started to distance myself a bit. And not for completely selfish reasons. Its a gesture of good will. I don't want to be the melancholy dramatist in the room. I want you to laugh, joke and carry on with the blessings of happiness you have been bestowed.

God is good and loves us all differently. My heavenly father is showing/teaching me a little less conventionally than most. But its still love, its still blessings just harder to enjoy by traditional means. At week eighteen, I'm journeying into new type of grief. Initially, my grief was panicky and filled with anxiety. Today, I have moved in to a much deeper grief, I think its called sorrow. Deep deep sorrow for the loss of everyday things. Everyday things that remind me that my love is gone and that I am alone in this dark world. I can almost visualize this new grief. It's like a huge gray blanket that hovers over my whole world. It is stretched taut over my life, it provides no comfort or warmth. Just vacuums the air from my lungs, depletes ALL my energy and leaves me perpetually empty.

And though my dreams vanished in an instant, there is still hope . I still remain in awe of my saviour. He, the sculptor of my heartache and still I am so utterly thankful. A kaleidoscope of intense emotions twisted and heated creating a recipe for eternal perfection. A mangled mess that might confuse most, but somehow I see with extreme clarity. I love it and hate it all the same. But behind it all is the masters hand and because I know this, I can't turn away. Its all pure GOD. A beautiful gift disguised in horrific loss. A chance to learn and see what I might not have otherwise known. A sneak peek of sorts that allows me to dig into a relationship with Him beyond understanding. A sweet and gentle heavenly father generously sharing mercy and unconditional love. Not the judgemental rule obsessed God portrayed by many religions, but a tender loving father that is all encompassing. A father that I long to be with, not just read about and say "yeah yeah, some day but not right now". What he has done in me is truly amazing and this I mean with every ounce of whats left of my heart.

The biggest struggle in all this is coping with the forever lonely. My life companion is gone forever. I'm always alone. No husband to crawl through this valley with. The loss of a COMPLETE relationship. Left alone to self sooth like an institutionalized orphan. Lying alone, with no touch. Only occasional human interactions that are basic and superficial. Just bringing in and ushering out, each day with no real relationship. So if I can just get over the lonely hub bub, I MIGHT be able to get through the rest of this life gig without creating too many casualties along the way!

Finally, through the carnage of my brokenness, somehow I have managed to surface loving Jesus more than ever before! I thank Him everyday for taking me through this valley. He is teaching, and I am learning. He has my full attention and I'm prepared for any lesson He has for me !

NO MATTER WHAT!

James 1:2-4
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

2011-01-17T10:48:00.008-05:00

September 20th, 2010

17 weeks ago, I lost the gentle hand that loved without pause.

A beautiful man who touched so many lives.

Always and Forever MY LOVE!

2011-01-15T21:13:00.015-05:00

The Jagged Edges of a Broken Heart
With every beat, my broken heart tears and shreds itself like a melancholy adolescent in search of release. A broken heart created by the sheer gravity of life and death.

In the shadows it becomes crystal clear that at the very core of existence, lies torment and tragedy sprinkled just sparingly with glimpses of joy. Joy that is always short lived. And so it is that every mortal serves this sentence. A sentence of clamoring to breath amongst the heaps of rubbish. Unwilling soldiers drafted to serve in a battle of not ones choosing. A battle of self preservation in pursuit of eternal life.

Similar to that of an unborn child, just waiting to be delivered. Struggling and growing in the womb under the never yielding protection of its mothers carriage. On earth, we wait. We wait to be born so that we too can live without persecution. Without constantly struggling for good in the midst of relentless evil. All the while being sustained by the never yielding protection of our heavenly Father.

The Incessant Pursuit of Contentment
An exhausting read that chronicles a series of steady upheaval littered with tid bits of good. A self propelled cycle that maintains momentum powerful enough to cloud the judgment of the wise and make weary the souls of faithful. Clearly the enemies design.

And so it is, that our insatiable desire for contentment reigns steady at the helm of life, powering our labors yet barely sustaining. We trudge on, day after day, in search of glimpses of light that we know lie solely in the presence of our Savior. His promises fill our lungs with life giving breath and our hearts with fervent hope. We rest in the knowledge that freedom awaits the souls who stand firm in the word, who proudly bear the battle wounds of faith, don the cloche of the righteous and long to be delivered!

2011-01-10T21:03:00.008-05:00

16 weeks....

I wish I could extol how LIFE is slowly getting back to the anticipated "new normal". Unfortunately, my definition of LIFE is probably much different than yours. Through death, a new meaning of life has been revealed. Life seems more like a series of tragic events and less like tip toeing through the daisies! Everything outside of Gods creation, has lost its luster and remains dull and gray. Beauty lies only in the smiles of little people and landscapes yet tarnished by this world.

Pleading for

REDEMPTION

SANCTIFICATION

MERCY

1 Peter 1:3-9
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

Arlington Ceremony

2011-01-05T16:53:00.005-05:00

2011-01-03T13:59:00.011-05:00

15 weeks......

I wonder how many more weeks before the anguish subsides? How do you live with half a heart? I'm on life support and the sole source of my survival is gently provided by our Lord and Savior. He holds me, He catches my every tear and has sobbed along side me every single day since September 20th.

ALL of my hope, ALL of my dreams are in His presence. I have been shattered yet piece by piece, he is reassembling me for the glory of His kingdom. I know nothing more than HE is all I need. This world has lost all appeal. Life is not living but yet simply a transitional state of waiting and longing to be delivered in to His arms. I SEE now like NEVER before. Amazed by his kindness, overwhelmed by His mercy and desperate to live perfectly in His grace.

Please dont misunderstand. Just because I have no zeal for mortal life, does not mean I'm depressed. I'm simply suffering from the raw clarity brought on by being thrown into this dark valley. It is through suffering that He teaches and by this, we learn so much more than we ever could imagine. I feel blessed that He loves me enough to walk me through this despair, to have filled my arms before the journey began and to have rescued my love from the weight of this world. HIS GRACE has been so plentiful and for that, I am eternally grateful!

And so it is, that until He calls my name,

I remain on bended knee,

anchored in His promise

2010-12-27T12:28:00.009-05:00

Dennis would have turned 45 yesterday.

It also would have been our 19th wedding anniversary.

So to honor him, the boys and I chose this day to be baptized in the Pacific Ocean, just as Dennis did some 20 years ago in Guam.

Then we each released a balloon carrying kisses to heaven for him.

We love you Den!

2010-12-26T11:19:00.003-05:00

Sitting in Hawaii searching desperately for comfort in being in the place where my Dennis and I first met. I have been here for days and still little solace. I am overwhelmed in being here and knowing hes not with us. At dinner last night, the boys and I silently wept. No one said anything but we all knew what each other was feeling. That the empty chair at our table should have daddy in it. Oh how he would have loved the Hawaiian music the band was playing, the delicious food and just relaxing as a family. We all miss him beyond words. The wound this has left on our hearts is irreparable. There is no cure. Not even time will mend this wound. Hope in HIS promise is all we have left. I ache for my beautiful boys. I pray daily that God blanket them in peace. I pray that of all my many many prayers, that this prayer is heard and answered first and foremost. Its devastating to lose soul mate but it hurts tenfold when on top of your personal loss, you have to watch your children wither under deaths wrath. Lord please have mercy on them!

I gaze at the bright island night stars as Dennis and I did some 20 years ago. I observe couples, happy couples, or so it seems, holding hands and embracing. Love and companionship God has chosen for me not to have. For some reason, he wants me to be without a life companion. He knows the anguish in my soul yet lets me carry on day in and day out without reprieve. I long to be in heaven with Him and Dennis. Never have I felt so "out of place". Like I just don't belong here. I feel like a sideline observer blended into earths landscape disconnected from the usual niceties of living and waiting for release. A sentence of longevity being served in trance. Like the neverending tick of a time piece, days march on to a mundane rhythm bathed in loss and unspeakable heartache.

And so it is, that although today I sit in earthly paradise, I still long insatiably for heavenly paradise, waiting...

2010-12-25T09:49:00.002-05:00

The final ceremonial chapter of Dens life ended this past Monday with his burial at Arlington Cemetery. Over the past thirteen weeks, I have been clinging to this event. Somehow taking comfort in knowing that "it" wasn't over. That more was to be done to celebrate my loves amazing life. He seemed almost not completely gone by the mere fact that the Arlington internment was ahead. The comfort I took from sleeping with his ashes for 3 months is now gone. We left him there in the cold, amongst the thousands of other hero's who have passed on. So today I exist alone and empty handed nothing tangible left to cling to. My hope, all of my hope lies in Jesus promise. I have never in my life been so utterly grateful for the birth and resurrection of saviour Jesus Christ! This Christmas means so much more than ever before. The promise through the birth of a savior, a glorious gift from our Lord.

In death, there is LIFE!
Thank you Lord and Happy BIRTHday Jesus!

2010-12-13T10:13:00.003-05:00

Another day ushered in with anguish.
Like the relentless ebb and flow of the ocean tide.
Day after day, week after week, month after month, I wrestle with the overwhelming loss of my life companion.
Alone I sit longing to hold his hand and feel the safety and comfort of his strong arms.

Today marks twelve weeks.

He is forever gone and the loss of his love is still more than I can bear.

My broken heart lingers like a gaping wound, torn and tattered, mortally wounded.
Faith and hope are all that I cling to as I trudge through this dark valley.
Wrapped in Godly sorrow, pleading still for comfort and mercy!

Out of shear desperation, I contemplated praying for God to take away my immense love for Dennis. But this prayer I can not lament.
My love for Dennis was/IS a gift.

A gift I will cherish through eternity despite the heart ache it provides me today, tomorrow and however many more days my sentence provides.

I love you Dennis!

To have and to hold
To love and to cherish
For now and FOREVER.....

2010-12-07T14:25:00.009-05:00

The Lord giveth......

and the Lord taketh away......

And from this, lessons scream from both loss and gain. I suggested some time ago in a post, that God sometimes needed to use the Big Purple Crayon for me to understand His will. Well, He's used it A LOT these days and for this I am ashamed. Cleansed of all the haze, stripped and left cold, lonely and humbled. Left to SEE. I look to Him every minute of every day. Drenched in tears as I weep for mercy and understanding.

MY LIFE IS NOT MY OWN!

I want none of it. I yearn desperately to be nothing more than His hands and feet. A helpless soul with a unworthy shattered heart set for repair by the hands of our saviour.

I submit on bended knee......

LET IT BE!

2010-12-04T19:35:00.012-05:00

My love died of a broken heart.....

I received the autopsy report yesterday. It's a detailed five page report crammed pack with words I cant pronounce but in summary and with sparing much of the gory details, his heart was fatally injured on impact. A broken heart, my love died of a broken heart!

Life for Dennis was an amazing adventure. He had traveled to 157 countries during his long military career. He saw and experienced more in his 44 years than most humans do in a life time. He lived a full life littered with many hats. From a veteran of war to teaching as a sub in elementary school, he did it all. He lived fast and with passion. He gave his everything to everything, never did anything so so and always gave 100%. That included his love for his saviour first and foremost. I remember him telling me that in times of peace, the priority rank was "God, Family, Country". However in times of war, the rank changed to "God, Country, Family", but ALWAYS GOD first!

After retirement from the Air Force, Den struggled with settling in to the mundane redundancy of ordinary life. It took years for him to find a new rhythm but he eventually did. He enjoyed life but worked too hard and worried too much. Because he innately gave his all to everything, he stretched himself too thin, exhausted his body and labored his soul. God saw my loves humility and stewardship. He saw His son live selflessly year after year and so it was that perhaps our Lord said to him "job well done my son". Then shrouded him with the weightless blanket of love, peace and mercy. He gave him the ULTIMATE GIFT!

Left behind are many more broken hearts but hearts broken much differently. Hearts broken with purpose. Purpose intended as 2nd chance gifts of enlightenment. Gifts provided to help the weary stop and take notice. To discard the things of this world and set their eyes on HIM, and ONLY HIM. For me, mission accomplished. I need nothing from this world. I need salvation, I need mercy.

Today I have an arsenal of adjectives I could use to describe how I'm feeling, I wont bore you with the depressing details. Especially during this "festive" holiday season. As you can plainly see, I'm no poster child candidate for holiday cheer. I am however, the steady flow of reality. The reality that behind the parties, gifts and celebration, the only item of value is Jesus Christ. All the other "STUFF" is like Solomon so eloquently explains in Ecclesiastes, "chasing the wind". We create busy calendars in feeble attempts to stifle the boredom of life. Skirting the reality of our pointless existences by lives filled with busyness and things. Life is hard, no matter how you slice it. To keep it interesting, it requires huge amounts of and a steady flow of energy. Energy lost in pointless activities. Don't get me wrong, I'm as guilty as the next. Why just today I chased the wind by shopping for things of no real value. Laboring over which picture frame would look best on my table! Ridiculous when you really think about it but its just so easy to jump on that bandwagon (driven by satan) and become consumed by the things of this world.

So in this season of hustle and bustle, I hope that you stop and think about my Dennis. Remember how in just a moments time, your story could end. How worry invested in anything of this world, outside of salvation, is energy lost.

ALWAYS keep your eye on the prize!

Glory be to God in the HIGHEST!!!!

2010-12-03T23:00:00.004-05:00

A Glimmer.....

2010-11-29T15:26:00.018-05:00

Sunday, there was a glimmer of bitter sweet joy in our home. Miss Ellie Grace celebrated her 1st birthday! Many friends and family gathered to share in this very special day. The overwhelming support of our friends over the past ten weeks has been amazing and Ellie's birthday celebration was no exception!

As we sang happy birthday to my little big girl, I couldn't help but imagine how special it would have been to share this day with Dennis. Another milestone to write in our life story. He LOVED his little princess so very much. He waited (almost 18 months), with great anticipation, for her arrival. While waiting, he toted her pictures everywhere and would remind me frequently how crazy in love he was with her. "Love at first sight" he'd proclaim! He proved it almost daily by finding some silly excuse as to why he would be going in to work late. Truth was he was secretly waiting for Ellie to wake up so they could watch Mickey Mouse Club together, a morning tradition they both enjoyed immensely. And on the occasion Dennis was able to pull himself away from her and actually go to the office, the moment he would walk in the door from work, he would literally drop everything and make his way straight to his Ellie Grace. Oh and you better believe she expected nothing less. When he entered the room, no one else existed in her little world. She truly was as smitten with him as he with her. He often times talked about how special her first birthday would be and couldn't wait for her first Christmas. Then there was Disney world, November of 2011 he already had it planned that Ellie must go to Disney for her 2nd birthday. I got so much joy from watching the two of them love each other. I saw how she filled his heart so completely. I always said I didn't mind playing 2nd fiddle to her because watching there love flourish was so comforting. They were an amazing duo! But clearly, our little Ellie was brought here to fill my arms, not his. So we celebrated her 1st birthday with both tears of joy and sadness. Joy that our merciful saviour brought this very special girl in to our lives. Joy that the Lord called Dennis home (the place all genuine Christians long to be) yet sad for the loss created in his absence. Tremendous loss for a little girl who has forever lost the love of her earthly fathers.

I hope that Dennis was with us yesterday. That God gave him a "hall pass" and that he celebrated right along side us. Some people.... many people, don't believe souls in heaven can see earthly happenings. That souls passed are no longer concerned with the things of this world. I hope this thought is wrong. I mean why would God create AMAZING love and BEAUTIFUL relationships if only after the body dies, so do these gifts. The gifts of love and relationships surely transcend the flesh. Well, at least that is my HOPE. I hope that Dennis prays and cares for us now just as he did when he was here. That the gospel of creating more and better disciples reigns priority even in heaven. I hope that even those passed desire a "standing room only" crammed packed heaven. That cheers and encouragement remain on the hearts of all!

Philippians 2:1-4
Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

2010-11-27T21:56:00.010-05:00

The deepest darkest place a broken heart can go. A place I was heaved in to and seemingly left without recourse. A place where the air is stifling thick and gravity heavy beyond measure. A place that churns in the pit of my stomach like an incessant roller coaster ride. A place that swallowed me whole, September 20th, 2010.

The facade that all is well is slowly unraveling despite my arduous attempts. Like crashing waves, I can no longer hold back the ravaging tide. They say there is hope. That "time" will collect the pieces of my shattered heart and mend it like new. I simply can not imagine this to be true, at least not for me. My love is gone mortally forever and there plainly is no other. I hear the echos of his life in everything I see and do. His memory haunts me and brings me comfort collectively. I pray daily, no I BEG daily, for steadfast mercy. And although drenched in silence and wallowing in nothingness, I still feel Him here. I know the Teacher is in the room and perhaps this deafening silence is intentional, designed purposely to help me learn. He is not comforting me yet undoubtedly carrying me.

Thus far, as I crawl through this valley, I have learned that His plans for me are not grand. No mission field to conquer, no orphans to save and no novel to write. Simply to steward in each day caring for my children and working to live a life that glorifies Him.

I want to believe that all this happened for a reason, perhaps a divine greater good. That part of Dens legacy was placed in my hands and that I am called to fulfill a destiny. But sensibly, the reality is in stark contrast. So instead, I "chase the wind" like so many others. Painstakingly striving to keep my thoughts shallow and outside the reality of my loss.

So again today, my eyes cry the tears of the widow.......

A widow with no sign of repair, just bushels and buckets of utter despair.

The Dance....

2010-11-23T19:39:00.008-05:00

Oh how I wouldn't change a thing!
I would marry him a thousand times over again..... if I could.
I miss him with every ounce of who I am. I was always afraid to love him completely. I knew I was taking a huge chance. Letting the guard down around my heart and loving him with reckless abandon. But he stole my heart, all of it, and for almost two decades he was the flutter that kept it beating. Like persistent ivy, our lives permanently intertwined and TOGETHER we danced. And although the song too short and despite the occasional mis step, the dance was perfect!

2010-11-22T19:48:00.012-05:00

The most important chapter of my lifes story has been deleted. And today I stand alone, clinging to a book with no ending, no storyline........ The book has been hijacked and its new author is master minding a conclusion unbeknownst to me. In the mean time, while I wait for the story to resume, nothingness continues to plague every minute of every day.

Nine weeks ago my Dennis left for heaven yet it feels like it was just yesterday! The ONLY solace I find is in knowing that as each day passes, I inch a little closer to home. Today, my life is one of simple servitude dedicated to the comfort and sustenance of my children. Searching for ways to improve the "situation" around us and praying for Christ coming! I know with complete certainty that God is walking through this valley with us. Its ominous and empty, but it is His. So on my knees I stay, waiting for His grace, praying for His mercy and dreaming with a broken heart.

2010-11-15T19:49:00.011-05:00

Recently, a local adoptive mom, Jamey, offered to sew Ellie an Ethiopian flag blanket. But especially cool was that she offered to line the blanket with one of Dens T shirts. Luckily, the day before Den passed, he had worn an Ethiopian adoption T shirt (made by Flitterbugs Designs). The shirt still had Dennis' scent so I asked Jamey if it would be ok to send her that T shirt to use for the blanket. She graciously agreed and today I received this; Front

Back - From Dens T shirt

The blanket is perfect! Ellie is already cuddling it.

Thank you Jamie for such a thought ful gift. She will cherish it FOREVER!

2010-11-14T22:13:00.013-05:00

On this day, sometime between 5:30am and 7:32am, 8 weeks ago, the LOVE of my life departed for heaven.

I wish I could say the ache has eased. That somehow, perhaps by divine intervention, all is well. But quite honestly the exact opposite is stirring. Emotions for all of us, are running a muck. The whole gamete of feelings are unraveling at full speed now. The worst part for me is watching this feast of devastation unleash on my sons. But this is HIS will, HIS plan. So we will keep wrapping ourselves in scripture and begging for mercy.

Most pathetically, the enemy and his minions, appear to be lurking at every corner waiting to pounce, especially on my vulnerable boys. I cant tell you how many times over the past eight weeks my phone has rang with a caller bearing troublesome news regarding the antics of my children. I know we are under attack! And as Christians, it's to be expected. The enemy looks for a window of opportunity and death has created that opportunity.

So today I am praying for steadfast vigilance. Praying for a blanket of holy protection. Praying for God to show my boys how to channel their emotions, mostly anger, and turn their enormous loss from "pain to power". I pray God shows them the path they walk today, was hand laid for them by HIM. That He has a plan for goodness, and not to harm them. That HE holds them daily, loves them and will NEVER let them go!

2010-11-10T19:27:00.014-05:00

Today I received from our small group, this beautiful stone to place next to the Dennis "FOREVER"green tree.

Then, as if that wasn't awesome enough, Brent from the group made this to hang from the treeThey are such an amazing group of friends!

Dennis and I loved/love them so much.

When I think back over the past 2 years and see how strategically God put together the people and things in my life, I'm completely awe struck. I first saw change happening with the assembling of our diverse and richly blessed small group. God was orchestrating fellowship and creating a pillow of comfort. He purposely placed me in this circle. He knew I would need their strong Christian hands to hold me in the days ahead. I see now how intentionally He surrounded me in friendship and then filled my arms with the innocent love of a baby girl. He was was helping me, preparing me for September 20th.

Looking back, I can remember this lingering surreal feeling. It was a somber unsettling feeling yet ironically peaceful at the same time. I assumed this quasi spiritual clarity was being stirred in response to our pending adoption. But instead, He had initiated his plan for Dens final days. And before He took Den home, he assembled tokens of comfort for me. Gods gentle mercy delivered with subtle grace. Gifts from my sweet and loving heavenly father.

Thank you Jesus!

2010-11-08T20:41:00.011-05:00

My mother is going on her first mission trip! She is headed to Ethiopia to love on some orphans and spread the gospel to the "least of these". The group she is traveling with has an amazing itinerary of which includes trips to the Korah Dump and Fistula Hospital, just to name a few. Also, she is especially excited to possibly meet the child she sponsors at Yezelalem Minch. This whole trip will be a life changing blessing for her and I am super excited for her to experience her grand baby's birth country, FIRST HAND!

2010-11-07T19:43:00.008-05:00

Christian and his buddies goose hunting yesterday

and life goes on.......

Thank you Jesus for holding him through this dark season of his life.

Thank you for giving him glimpses of happiness!

2010-11-06T21:41:00.016-04:00

SATURDAY.......

~Ellie sported her first winter coat
~Christian went goose hunting with friends
~Zack played ice hockey in Virginia
~Milo (new dog) ran away and was returned 4 hours later via the microchip identifier.
~Jenny (dens fav. dog) decided for the first time EVER that she wanted to go on a neighborhood walk with Ellie and me. Then she decided she also would accompany us on our walk in the woods. Very odd behavior for her. She acted like she was guarding us. Every time I stopped walking, she stopped walking. Unusual but sweet I suppose.
~Hunter (our dachshund) sneaked upstairs and was trapped in Christians room for hours before anyone noticed. Hes a chronic whizzer so he's not allowed inside the house, beyond the mud room. God only knows how much territory he marked while upstairs!
~I had lunch with my girlfriend Lisa, coffee with my friend Karol then dinner with my friend Tina. Ellie and I were kinda sorta on a mission not to be ALONE for the entire day. Can you tell?

Just .........."chasing after the wind"

Ecclesiastes 1:14

2010-11-05T19:18:00.012-04:00

Here it is again, another Friday.....

Another long emotionally arduous weekend....

Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled that another week has come and gone. Its just the trudging through the Saturday and Sunday that puts that pit in my gut and that incessant lump in my throat. Even though every minute of every day is agony, for obvious reasons, the weekends, (aka family time), are especially unbearable. So I'll hold on tight, bury myself in scripture, wrestle with Mr. Heartache and weather yet another storm. This, I'm told, is part of the "process". What I'm going through is "text book" and all will inevitably be good again. Good? I seriously doubt it. A huge portion of my good is gone. Now, my station in life is to raise the beautiful children I have been left. And with that responsibility, I'm committed to do the best I can to honor their fathers in heaven.

So anyway, I know I sound like a broken record. A record playing Winnie the Poohs "The Best of Eeyore"! Sorry about that. This emotional roller coaster ride makes me sick to my stomach too. If I could get off, I WOULD!

So to some detriment, I have committed to journal as much as possible for the first year after my Dennis' passing. As a result, sometimes the words just don't come or if they do, they coagulate into incomplete and inconsistent thoughts construing only a puzzling mess. A canvas with paint splatters strewn about with NO rhyme or reason (or talent). Again, I apologize.

Grief is a wicked game, a game in which no one wins

Lord hear my cry!

2010-11-04T15:22:00.018-04:00

Our amazing small group planted a memorial tree in our yard yesterday
A Dennis Tree.....
a (for)EVERgreen tree....

In weeks past, I was searching desperately to find God in "all this". I knew he was there, but I couldn't feel him. It seemed as if He was just watching us like an audience member at a puppet show (although he the puppeteer)! Now that the initial shock has settled in and my tears a little less cloudy, I see Him everywhere. Mostly, I see Him in the hands, the words and the love pouring out from my/our Christian friends.

Sweet gift sent by my adoption friends in Ohio

When my Dennis fell, a battle cry was called and His army assembled. They went to work, His work, without pause. Even today, six and a half weeks later, the love and mercy of our Lord is pouring in to our lives through the hands of so many.

Thank you Lord for the gift of faithful fellowship!

James 2:14
What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them?

2010-11-03T21:59:00.006-04:00

Crawl to the summit

of mountains so high

for there you will find

on glory they cry

Air so pure

your lungs be dismayed

gasping to breathe

feel the peace that you prayed

Soak it all in

for tumble you will

to the valley of life

again you will spill

Here you will learn

and grow like a flower

no water, no sunshine

yet thrive by His power

Up he will lift you

again you will crawl

to the top of His mountain

your worries will sprawl

Walk in His glory

and these lessons you learn

The wisdom in valleys

where salvation doth churn

The Everest awaits you

stay awake you must do

your reward is eternal

and made special for you!

Author unknown

2010-11-02T21:12:00.007-04:00

Dreams ~ Expectations ~ Plans ~ Goals

For me, the definition of these words changed completely September 20th, 2010.

Today, my dreams revolve solely around my children. I dream that they grow up happy and healthy but most importantly that they love Jesus with every ounce of their hearts.

My expectations include serving my little family day in and day out in hopes of fostering my dream.

My plan is to meet my expectations via a "eat, sleep, repeat" cycle while maintaining a smile on my face, despite the pain in my heart.

Finally my goal is to execute my plan by serving others and loving my saviour desperately.

I pray that these dramatic vocabulary changes honor the Lord and pave our path to the kingdom of heaven (prayerfully, in the not so distant future).

So today I can honestly say that I am eternally grateful for my brutal gift. Without it, I might not have ever truly known the raw reality of the gospel. Gone now, are my hazy days polluted with the incessant pursuit of THINGS. Here today, is the clear understanding of the utter worthlessness of earthly tangibles. In one fell swoop, the message was delivered! It was like being invited to an all you can eat buffet that had only one item to choose. No decisions to be made by me, the host had decided for me!

Thank you Jesus

Eulogy from Dennis' Funeral

2010-11-01T13:18:00.007-04:00

By Lt Col Eric Moran (USAF retired)
There are very few people who come into the USAF and impact so many in a dramatic fashion. The majority of us are just flickers of light during our careers. The few are consistent glows impacting so many. For those of us here today and the thousands throughout MSgt Siler’s career who had the privilege to serve this great nation with him, know all too well that Dennis was a consistent glow, a continually burning flame that provided comfort during difficult times, provided warmth when deployed in harms way and offered joy and laughter during the calm. This flame will never extinguish, never burn out, never falter for he has and will always live in our hearts as an inspiration, one to emulate and provide us strength that we are unaware of possessing during the terribly difficult days, weeks and months ahead.
Dennis was our radiant of hope when things didn’t go our way. A special friend who could share faith, muster a direct order, listen to our complaints, explain to an officer like me not only why I was wrong and making the worst decision of my career (which to Dennis I made often!) but offer solutions that would bring resolution and always insure his troops were protected. Dennis was a fierce warrior for those under his tutelage and displayed character that I dreamed of emulating. He was a master reader of emotion providing a big smile with a comforting face and an ear that could listen till the early morning hours. Dennis was and will continue to be a teacher/leader to us all for his thoughts and actions were pure. His was decisive and always correct.

We started our careers at the same time and probably crossed paths without knowing. I was flying out of Norton AFB and Dennis was in Sembach AB, Germany. I would transit the field not realizing that Dennis was on the ground securing the base, airfield and protecting our members and dependents.
This isn’t what Dennis wants me to talk about….but I will…I know he’s looking down at me right now, with his arms crossed, chest pumped out and giving me that look that a lot of us have seen. Yes at times…intimidating.

While at Sembach, his supervisors wrote:
“He is an absolute role model for other airmen to follow”
“AIC Siler gets things done”
AIC Siler is a classic example of a “fast burner”
“Constantly searches for military and personal self improvement. His appearance, bearing and behavior are above reproach”

Dennis avoided the limelight; his work ethic, desire for knowledge and care for others was genuine and honest.
He shunned personnel praise and always ensured that his accomplishments were transferred to his peers and subordinates. His accomplishments continued outside of the AF, not in uniform with a weapon on his side. Dennis was a consummate professional spending his down time coaching a youth baseball team for American Youth Activities or completing college courses. He was driven to accomplish community service and strived for higher education.

After a few years, the AF decided that Sgt Siler was ready to move. Off he went to Anderson AFB Guam. Surprisingly, I transited the airfield on a weekly basis not realizing that in a few years one of my greatest teachers was at arms grasp and we would be stationed together. Dennis continued to impact all those around him. Involved in Christmas drop for needy children, graduated with honors from NCO Leadership School and recipient of the Commandant’s trophy. An amazing accomplishment.
“SSgt Siler is truly top-notch”
“Supported the local community with clean up after super typhoon Russ”
“Assisted with the re-painting of the historic Agana Cathedral”
“Organized and supported the island-wide Special Olympics”
The theme is constant and crystal clear. MSgt Siler always put everyone in front of himself. His devotion to fellow man was equal, uniform or civilian, in need or plentiful. He loved all with a faith that was un-burnished.

His work was complete at Guam and the AF decided to move Dennis once again. This time to Seymour Johnson AFB in North Carolina. In fear of being repetitive, our beloved Dennis continued on the same course. Professional development, volunteer work, higher education and military accomplishments galore. After a short time, his recognition was so great that he was hand picked to the most prestigious position for Security Police in the AF. To provide security for Presidential Support Aircraft at Andrews AFB. You may have not known that he graduated from the FBI Sniper School, SWAT and Security Forces Trainer’s Supervisors Course. Dennis would never acknowledge his accomplishments, only others.
Albeit his time was short in North Carolina but I believe it was here that he developed the ability to slow his speech, develop a slight accent and hide the Mensa brilliance that God provided Dennis. It was here that our paths finally crossed and I am so blessed to have spent the last 10 years of our careers together. Dennis and I were on our first trip together supporting the Vice President. He was protecting the aircraft and the rest of the crew was on a long layover. I jumped in the car and decided to go check on my crew- member out at the airport. I approached the aircraft from the flight line and Dennis was standing by the front of the rental car parked in front of AF II. He didn’t recognize me immediately and politely turned a shoulder and placed his hand on the butt of his 9Mill. Note to self, don’t unexpectedly show up on America’s finest Security Police officers charged with protecting the President, Vice-President and Foreign Heads of State in an unmarked rental car at a high rate of speed! As I got out of the vehicle, Dennis and I spent the start of an incredible relationship. We shared faith, family and friends. The three most important things to Dennis. His amazingly strong relationship with our God and Savior, his incredible family and never-ending love and devotion for Tracey, Zach, Christian and Ellie, they’re church family, community family and Air Force family.
As I separate these families into 3 different groups (church, community and AF) it becomes apparent that I am misguided. I look out into the crowd and see the faces of many and we are all the same. We have a common bond that makes us so strong. We all believe deeply in Old Glory and all the promise she provides us and our future generations to come. This is what Dennis believed in. Devotion to duty, Service before self. Protection of our great nation. We all share and respect in the meaning of our Flag and hearts bleed for those who have defended our freedom and given the greatest sacrifice of all. Allowing the strength of Dennis’s belief in God and an eternity of peace resurrect your search for God and Faith if it is lacking. Assume Dennis’s actions and community service; never shy away from the poor, hungry and needy. If we could all see through the eyes of Dennis--that everyone was equal, everyone deserved affection, respect and love.
Believe in synergy where the sum of the parts is greater than the whole.
I now would like to read a few excerpts from great Americans who served side by side with Dennis over the years. As we affectionately call them, they were all Flying Guns. Our nation’s leaders slept well at night while traveling the darkest corners of the world knowing that these men and women stood vigilant 24 hours a day insuring that the American flag on the tail of our aircraft and bold print “United States of America” down the fuselage was sovereign US territory and the tip of the sword for our military might. When diplomacy failed and thankfully not often, the sword fell. These flying guns stood side by side with Dennis for countless years and will continue the tradition for years to come, ensuring the sound of freedom rings loud throughout the world.
Over the course of the past few days, all of us are suffering, confused and questioning this tragedy. Dear friends of Dennis’s, Jake Pullin and James Slawson have done so much for today and were able to compile a few excerpts from former flying guns. I now would like to read a few of their comments:

Donald Whitley
I miss the "debates" in a brotherly way we use to have back in the day. I mean Really Good debates/discussions. I learned something new every time. I wanted that back! He was a Good Man -- "principled." We called him Maximus. The intellectual warrior...he left an impression!
Jake Pullin & Gina Coonrod
What about the over-hand claps? You had Dennis with them "bigass" arms who looked like he was playing the piano by the time they were done with him. He hated that exercise! They were like..."you built them big arms...you wanted'em...NOW GET'em UP"!!!! That exercise was a piece of cake for dudes with arms like ours...but not Dennis...it killed him every time!
Noel Walton
I remember he was patient with me while I was still training when first hired on the flying guns, and he was very down to earth. He told me a lot about his family, house, land and the coffee shop he wanted to open with his wife when he retired. I could tell he was very proud of all of it and was a great family man. A great coworker and mentor
Carl Vogtsberger
When he retired...the Commander asked him what his last request was. He requested that his troops (the deployed guys) get their medals or he was not having a retirement ceremony! He put others ahead of himself. I will never forget that. He even had the medals presented at his retirement.
Carlos Michael
I met Dennis in 97 when I started flying. Didn't know much about the job but he quickly took me under his wing and mentored me. Not only did he teach me the job but how to be a good NCO. He taught me that we are all different and need to be flexible with our leadership skills. Once I had the job down we would talk extensively about family. I only hope I can be as good a father and husband as he was. He adored his family and would bend over backwards for them. He was also a good friend willing to do anything for you if you needed anything. I also came to find out he was very smart even if he downplayed it. He wouldn't push but he would tell you the benefits of education and that the government gives us free money to go to school. He taught me to be better with my finances and to invest for the future. I owe a great part of who I am as an NCO and a family man to Dennis. May God rest his soul.
Michael MacConnell
The base was having a fitness challenge one year at the fitness center. All the participants were gathering around. Most of them were in there early 20’s and here Dennis was in his late 30’s. Dennis was stretching out getting ready for Push-up/sit-up completion, and I overheard some of the younger competitors laughing at him saying he has no chance to win he is washed up. These kids had six-pack abs and bulging muscles, once Dennis pumped out his push-ups their jaws dropped and smiles were wiped of their faces. He did the same for the sit-up portion. He blew the field away. I believe if I remember correctly he won first place.

James Slawson
Dennis, Robert Banks, and myself were in Florida. We had just got through working out at Gold’s Gym there in the area (we were all pretty fit at that time.) We went to a Chinese “All you can Eat” Buffet. After our fifth trip to the buffet all the Rice and Beef and Broccoli were gone and we just emptied the Kung Pao Chicken and Fried Rice bowls. We asked if they were making any more White Rice and they said, (in Chinese accent) “No, you finish” “You go now”….we said “This is an All you can Eat Buffet!” Then they said “You eat All Can Eat.” We were thrown out of an “All you can eat Buffet!!!!” Crazy!!!

As Dennis’s career was coming to an end, he approached me one day and asked me to be the presiding officer for his retirement ceremony. The greatest of honors to stand in uniform, side by side with MSgt Siler and retire him from Active duty and return him to his family, church and community. Now I stand in awe of the strength of Tracey, Zach, Christian, Ellie and entire family as I recount the life of a true Gentleman who devoted his life to many, thankfully, we the Air Force, had 20 years of his amazing leadership. Like everyone here, I am personally struggling with this tragedy. Dennis was the truest of men that I have met. Our relationship professionally and personally has made me a better father, improved my abilities in the workplace and has had an impact spiritually. In the New Testament, both John and Paul write of death and sin as enemies, as threats to human life, but both of them remind us that Christ has conquered them by his death on the cross and offered us grace and new life by his resurrection. This is not to trivialize our sense of loss, but to help us remember that death isn’t the end of the human story; death doesn’t get to write our last chapter. In the cross Christ triumphed over death and in the resurrection he opens the gates of heaven to his people. I am reassured, knowing that Dennis stands proud in the gates of heaven.
Its my prayer that in the days and months ahead the Siler family and all of us will dwell less and less on the pain, suddenness of his death, and remember with joy and gratitude, with faith and hope, how well he lived and served and loved.
At Dennis’s retirement I closed with an Air Force Creed that exemplified his character. Today, I would like to read the same Creed as we pay our lasting respects to a Hero, dearest of friends and true brother. The USAF Security Forces Creed.
I am a security force member. I hold allegiance to my country, devotion to duty, and personal integrity above all. I wear my shield of authority with dignity and restraint, and promote by example high standards of conduct, appearance, courtesy, and performance. I seek no favor because of my position. I perform my duties in a firm, courteous, and impartial manner, irrespective of a person's color, race, religion, national origin, or sex. I strive to merit the respect of my fellow airmen and all with whom I come in contact.

MSgt Dennis Siler, it is for you I eternally pray, dear brother. Rest in peace."
Final Salute…

2010-11-01T06:44:00.002-04:00

Six weeks ago this morning.......

2010-10-30T23:59:00.004-04:00

God has peeled back the layers of my life. He has shown me that beyond the things of this world, the only true possession I have is my soul. He could have baby stepped me to and through this lesson but instead He chose to throw me in, head first. Why He chose this radical approach, I don't know. Is this love? Hate? Perhaps a reward or maybe a punishment? He has given me grave pain and suffering yet I cant help but feel that every ounce of it is bathed in grace.

He loved my/His Dennis so very much and blessed him with a short life. Stole him to heaven for the angels delight. A celebration indeed! A gift for the righteous! I take amazing comfort in knowing that Dennis is clothed in peace. Thank you Lord for the gift of eternal life!

2 Corinthians 5:8 We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord.

Today my tears are droplets of selfish ache. Ache for mercy, peace and grace. A plea for a divine calm to the storm that rages in my heart. Tears that simply beg for a clear and swift plan. A plan that leads me home.

Pain in its rawest form, is beyond words. It exceeds all unit of measure.
In just a moments time, it is finished, it is complete. Nothing and no one can fix it.
Every thing in your world changes in an instant.

You live, you love, and you die. How will you live? How will you love? For matters such as these, you decide. For the latter....... He has full control!

Are you ready?

2010-10-29T20:44:00.024-04:00

LOVE

Have you noticed that almost EVERY ASPECT of EVERYTHING in our lives revolves around the pursuit of LOVE? Movies, music, food, travel all rooted in our insatiable desire to be loved! Woven into all that we crave during our short time on earth. Without it, we somehow don't feel whole, as if there is something critical missing from our lives. So we spend our lifetimes and our fortunes pursuing it, nurturing it, clinging to it for comfort and validation.

If cared for responsibly, longevity can add to the gift and offer decades of loving companionship. This is a favor Dennis and I were not afforded. But for those who are so fortunate, it is a sweet blessing not to be handled carelessly. 1 Corinthians 13:13 tells us ".......the greatest of these is love". So Christian men and women who toss around the title yet live separate from His word in the matter of marriage, should tread lightly. For the souls that take love for granted, criticize it, step on it and do all but suffocate it are playing risky business with one of Gods favorite matters of the heart, LOVE.

Why anyone who is handed this beautiful gift would ever purposely disregard it, is beyond me. Having loved and lost, I can speak with conviction on this matter. I have personally been robbed of my gift. My beautiful husband who loved so intensely, treasured every moment and honored without fail, is gone forever. I would give anything to have him back. So when I hear stories of Christian couples who STILL HAVE EACH OTHER but who are ignoring Gods word, and squandering their offering of love, I want to plead with them to:

STOP!

NOTHING ELSE ON THIS PLANET IS MORE IMPORTANT!

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE

Hind sight IS 20/20

Many will not realize how precious the gift was,until its gone!

Please don't let that be you.

EVERYBODY needs love!

2010-10-28T21:37:00.013-04:00

Cruise 2009

Today was a bit of a BLAH day filled with brokers, banking and boredom. Nothing exciting or overly emotional to report. Found time in my busy schedule (sarcasm) to go for a walk with my best little gal pal and visited a girlfriend who is celebrating her 47th birthday! Later, friends came over with dinner (I honestly haven't cooked a meal in almost 6 weeks). I have amazing friends!

Zack was out (again) after school with friends and ice hockey while Christian was home suffering from congestion and a headache. Ellie was her usual sweet self but especially generous with hugs today. As for me? Not a lot of tears today. Sorta numb.

Thank God for modern medicine!

2010-10-27T19:32:00.007-04:00

I think I'm going to need to get get a hobby or a job or SOMETHING! I have way too much time on my hands Time just leaves me to grovel in my "situation". Seriously there are only so many hours in the day that Ellie needs my attention. And since my teen boys do their very best to stay busy and away from our house, I spend most of my days alone, in silence. Once upon a time I treasured silence. I thought of it as a window into mediation and spiritual clarity. Today, that window is shattered and the sharp jagged edges offer cuts without release .

I have heard over and over again that "God has a plan", "He has great things in store for you". Yet hear I sit, changing diapers, watching mindless television and no offense.... blogging!

PURPOSE...... POINT........ PLAN.......

WHAT ARE THEY?

The other "P" word, PATIENCE, has never been a strong point of mine. I'm a get it done kind of girl. An administrator I've been told and since operation "SAVE Dennis, Fix Tracy" has obviously already been launched, I truly hope that there is way more to the plan than this! Five and a half weeks into this MESS, I'm more than ready to get this show on the road! The way I see it, the sooner we start, the sooner we finish and I am sooo ready to FINISH!

2010-10-26T00:09:00.003-04:00

I think I must be in God boot camp! A military style boot camp designed to break down a new recruit so he/she can be rebuilt to fit the specifications of the creator.

I have been sweetly broken, dismantled and left in a heap of mortal mess. Today, I am only a shadow of who I was 5 weeks ago. I don’t recognize the sad girl in the mirror and our HOME sweet HOME has lost its warmth and is now just a house.

Melancholy lingers in every corner of our lives. The boys and I are sporting slouched shoulders, half cocked smiles and flimsy hugs. Our feet shuffle at aged pace and despite my efforts to “connect four”, detachment seems to be winning the game. I know it’s early…. Just five weeks old, but when every minute of every day feels like an eternity, I cant help but wish that we were further along in this “PROCESS”.

I cling to His promise that this whole life shattering mess, is not a mistake but rather part of His perfect plan. A divine design that tragically requires my family to endure extreme suffering. I pray that God guides us along the way, shows us every aspect of this radical transformation so that we can reap the benefits of every morsel and squander nothing!

2010-10-25T14:16:00.010-04:00

Through the pit of my suffering.......
Through the darkest season of my life.......
For HIM to take my hand and lead me through this valley......
For HIM to cradle me and hold my tears......
There is no greater gift!

Thank you Jesus!

Glory be to God in the HIGHEST!

No Longer in my Arms....

2010-10-24T16:13:00.005-04:00

But ALWAYS on my Mind........

And FOREVER in my Heart......

A Fond Memory....

2010-10-23T20:19:00.015-04:00

This post will have to be shorter than usual because you see, I'm expecting company. Uninvited albeit, but they for sure are on on their way over. They come over EVERY night now! Their names are Ms. Agony, Mr. Grief and Captain Anguish.

On a lighter note, here is a photo (post run) of Den and me with our amazing friends

Baltimore Half Marathon October 2004

Louie Kanaras, Marisa Harmon, Tracy and Dennis Siler

2010-10-22T19:45:00.018-04:00

One evening, while being tormented by Mr. Lonely, I tried "self soothing" by rummaging through Dens coat pockets, suitcases and gym bag. I was looking for something, namely a sign from him. Just when I thought all was lost, I came across a black checker piece in his gym bag. I turned it over and realized that it was a CONNECT FOUR game piece. I was puzzled why he would have just one piece to a game in his gym bag then it dawned on me, THIS WAS A MESSAGE!

I was being told to CONNECT FOUR, move away from my grief and focus my energy on the boys, Ellie and me. Then, to seal the deal, today I received a message from a friend of a friend. We have never personally met but she emailed me because she felt like God was telling her to give me a message!

Here is an excerpt from her message:
"God wants to speak to you. For whatever reason he wants you to know this. ... Dennis' life is complete. Your life is not. God has not yet released you from living. Both of you remain the hands of the Father...... If you simply put this love that you have raging through you for Dennis into the family that your love created, you will find joy. This is the way that you love him now. ..."

WOW!
A message from a stranger speaking on behalf of our saviour saying

"CONNECT FOUR"! The rest of her message I wont share. It was raw, honest and wrought with amazing clarity. Words dripping in grace yet painful beyond my feeble ability to process. A gift that I'll cherish forever! So when the fog of dismay clears my head, the light of this message will be the beacon I follow.

Thank you Jesus!

2010-10-21T13:53:00.003-04:00

Some 20 years ago, my beautiful Dennis picked this dramatic song, to be OURS, "The Power of Love" by Frankie Goes to Hollywood. He proclaimed that his love for me was "death defying". That our love would transcend dimensions like that of OUR favorite movie "What Dreams May Come". He made sure I knew that without a shadow of a doubt, he loved me like no other earthly being EVER could! And I the same for him. We were a match made in heaven and together again in heaven, we will be!

2010-10-20T17:49:00.013-04:00

A very special grain of wheat has fallen to the ground .....and died....... yet it WILL produce much grain! Through my hands, through your hands and with His grace, WE can pour out our lives to fill others with the knowledge of His LOVE (mute my music playlist before watching this amazing video)

Please help grow the harvest at Yezelalem Minch Orphan Ministry in loving memory of Dennis!

Sponsor a child TODAY!
Its simple, its just $30 a month and the rewards are ETERNAL!
Email Kara at kkvassar@yahoo.com

2010-10-19T21:08:00.019-04:00

Welcome to my beautiful mess!

Since Dennis, the core of our family has been ripped away, we have been left with a frayed version of what WE used to be. The boys and I are all searching desperately to find our "new normal". The boys stay busy with sports and friends but they both smile considerably less and they just don't have that skip in their step like before. I offer smiles, hugs and as much "all is well" encouragement as I can muster ,but prayer is really what their tender hearts need.

I stay busy with miss Ellie who is a woman on the go these days! Overall she seems her usual happy self. That is until she spies a photo of her daddy. She smiles and climbs frantically toward his image, then pauses and drops her smile. BREAKS MY HEART! So I try not to let her see pictures of Dennis for now. Not until shes had time to forget him with her heart. Then I will rebuild her relationship with him via happy story and images. A wise man recently told me to "turn my pain into power". At the time, I was no where near ready to do anything remotely powerful. Seriously, every ounce of my energy was being devoured by ravenous grief and I couldn't bear the thought of a pain power conversion! So I made a mental note of his clever advice and tucked it away. Now today, 4 weeks and 3 days later, I'm open to exploring the idea of harnessing some of this putrid anguish, exorcising it and turning it from gross to grace! Especially now that I have TWO amazing men in heaven routing me on (Hebrews 12), I definitely need to bring my "A" game in all that I do! I KNOW God has a plan and I will do whatever He needs me to, NO MATTER WHAT!

Proverbs 19:21
Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.

Let Go and Lets Go!

2010-10-19T06:56:00.005-04:00

Morning just broke...... another day has come. Maybe this is the day that God will reveal His plan to me? My hope is that His plan is AMAZING! That He is going to do crazy radical things with my life. That Dens passing is part of a much greater purpose. A purpose that ripples into the lives of thousands and screams His gospel across the globe. I want to believe that my Dennis, who touched so many lives during his short time on earth, will touch many more lives because of his death. I hope that through his death, husbands began to look at their wives with a renewed reverence. That wives complain less and cherish more.

I pray that because of our story, many will take pause in their busy, yet mundane, American lives. That they find it difficult to just return to business as usual! And piece by piece, they examine their lives and make changes with positive eternal consequences.

Remember, even under the best of circumstances, life is short. Do you truly believe and live the motto "my life is NOT MY OWN? Have you asked yourself "what can I do to glorify the Lord today"?

Perhaps Dens death was YOUR CALL TO ACTION!

For me, just days after dens passing and through my sobs, screams and anguish., I said to God, "GAME ON"! I get it! As Christians, we need to "say what you mean and mean what you say". I said "take my life, its not my own". He heard me, He loves me and has told me there is much work to be done. He has armed me with courage and clarity and I stand ready to serve Him completely. I need nothing from this world, I need my saviour and it is He and only He I serve. Too many of us carry laundry list of reasons why we CANT SERVE the Lord like we pretend to. God must get so tired of all the blah, blah, blah of "well if I could only afford it (re. adoption), but what about the kids (mission work), I cant get time off work (investment in family), etc....." These are the excuses of those that have "become a part of this world" (James 1:27).

STOP!

LET GO of all your stuff, of all YOUR plans.

1 John 2:15-17
Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world—the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever.

Hold your family, read your Bible, put on your boots and get moving! Brothers and sisters, I remind you, tomorrow you could be standing before our Lord, what will you tell him? Don't just talk the talk, WALK THE WALK!

2010-10-18T21:08:00.003-04:00

Photo taken August 25th, 2010

One month ago today, the beautiful blue eyes of my 14 year old son, saw his papa as no boy should ever see. A day of terror that sketched, without permission, an image into my sons mind. The spirit of death illustrated this wicked picture designed to purposely change him forever, and it did! I know his daddy weeps for this. He never would have wanted his blue eyed boy anywhere near that tragic day. But he was and now our sons beautiful blue eyes, will never be the same. Just slightly less bright with hues of gray that tell a story of the ultimate heartache.

I'll NEVER understand why God allowed my blue eyed boy to be so intimately involved in the nightmare of that day, the day of his daddy's demise. But the Lord works in mysterious ways. And now left behind, are the scattered pieces of the trauma caused by that day. So I pray that God gives me the strength and wisdom to collect all the pieces, smooth the rough edges and try to help my blue eyed boy create his "new normal".

2010-10-18T16:34:00.002-04:00

Our Last family photo
plus gma, theis and aunt kim

This post is dedicated to the amazing group of friends that continue to rally in support of our family! The many meals, long talks/emails, gifts and most importantly the caring arms reached out to my children, are all priceless! Your fellowship in our darkest hour of need, will never be forgotten. All of you are now a part of "OUR story". Knowing that we can count on you in just a moments notice, is a gift I will cherish forever. I know Dennis is totally impressed by the amazing support his family has received.

When news of my Dennis death began to spread, worlds stopped instantly for many of you. Planes were book and selfless acts of brotherhood and sisterhood sprung in to action. You my friends, made God smile that day. You jumped into James 1:27 without a moments hesitation. Sooo proud to call you my friends!

Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

2010-10-17T08:12:00.005-04:00

I HATE WEEKENDS! The days are long and crammed pack with things that Dennis and I SHOULD be doing as a family! Its pure agony. And trying to masquerade my grief from my boys is getting harder to do as the days go by!

Ellie after her first cider donut

Today was Ellie's first trip to a pumpkin patch. A "first" her daddy missed. A prelude to the bitter sweet days to come. We have Ellie's 1st birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, our 19th wedding anniversary, Dens birthday and Zack's birthday, all by years end. This is A LOT of sadness to endure just over the span of a couple of months. I really don't think I'll make it without medication! No really, I'm not kidding! Yes I have been blessed with a couple days of "trance like" demeanor, but for the most part, I'm completely bathed in sadness. I truly cant find joy in anything anymore, including my children. When I watch them, all I see is Dennis and loss. I see how my darling sons have lost the most amazing dad ever. How Christian lost his hunting buddy and Zack his biggest fan in ice hockey. How little Ellie will never see, first hand , how crazy in love her daddy was with her. Now, every teenage and baby milestone only beckon waves of anguish.

Today, while I was supposed to be watching Zack play ice hockey, Ellie and I tipped toed out to Barnes and Noble. I bought a book call "Grief Observed" by C. S. Lewis. I read a couple of pages and I'm not sure if this is going to help or make matters worse but hey..... what have I got to lose? Maybe reading about someones elses grief will give me a much needed reprieve from my own! I'm desperate for a book that extols HOPE. And much to my surprise, the Bible is not that book. It appears to offer no consolation for the grieving widow. Perhaps that's why the shelves were littered with books on grief in the SELF help section? I don't know. But let me add this..... even though the Bible doesn't offer any eternal matrimonial HOPE, I still love Jesus and NOTHING will ever change that, NOTHING!

I know this post hasn't been very inspirational. But its honest (a little scattered) and that's what I promised at the start of this "journey". It represents just a glimpse into my heart as it fumbles through faith and grief. A heart that dies, a thousand times a day while clamouring pathetically for understanding. So tomorrows a new day, a day closer to clarity, to peace and to HOME!

Breathe..........

2010-10-16T20:33:00.005-04:00

I have a pretty good feeling my amazing husband is keeping an eye on us from high above the clouds. I mean he loved us just way too much to let THIS get in the way. Anyone that knew him, knows exactly what I'm talking about. He was, well lets just say "INTENSE" when it came to his family. He loved hard core and if you didn't believe his genuine motivation, you might think he needed an IV drip of a sedative. I didn't complain because I adored how crazy he loved me but as you can imagine, my teenagers found it a bit annoying. I can still hear Den in our kitchen extolling his reasoning to our boys saying "if i didn't love you so much, I wouldn't care so much". This.... was his rhythm of love!

There was never a shortage of smiles when he was around. He made me laugh at least once a day. I love love love that man and will always cherish his one of a kind ginormous heart!

2010-10-15T06:16:00.008-04:00

Someone recently referred to me as "single".... YUCK! I will never be single. I am married FOREVER and even though we are not together now, I know that in the next life, whether it be intermediate or new earth, we will be together again. So, in my opinion, our marriage isn't over its just been placed on "hold" for a while. Like my Dennis is on a very long deployment and his commander in chief (AKA God) has promised our reunion, after the mission is complete.

What is your forever? Our forever, was NOT long enough. We had so many plans, dreams and hopes for OUR future. We often fantasized about our retirement imagining large holiday gatherings, long walks on the beach and travel. Then, in just the blink of a eye, as I lay a sleep in our bed and he in a tree, gone forever were all our mortal hopes. Now, there is no earthly WE, OUR or US. I have been left to trudge through my final years alone. Yet still, I have no regrets. I would marry him over and over again. I am so very grateful to have been his wife for nineteen years. It was an honor and a privilege and look so very forward to picking up where we left off, when we meet again!

Remember, your forever has a number attached to it. Never assume that its season concludes when you both are old and gray. Your forever could end tomorrow! And if it did, could you proclaim, with confidence, that you loved as best you could? My hope is that my short marriage is a lesson, an eye opener if you will, to others. Hug, kiss and love your spouses with every strand of your being. Don't wait till tomorrow, tomorrow may be too late!

1 Corinthians 13:13

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

2010-10-14T07:11:00.009-04:00

The Medical Examiner returned the clothing my Dennis was wearing the day he left for Heaven. As superficial as it may seem, I love his boots. BOOTS have always been a constant in my hubby's wardrobe. Over the almost 19 years we were together, combat boots and/or hunting boots were always a staple. To me they represent service, dedication and passion. He LOVED his country and served it relentlessly as a soldier. He LOVED hunting and pursued it with enthusiasm that inspired so many others. His legacy is strong. He single handily introduced so many to the sport while always promoting ethics and safety. How ironic (seems to be a theme this year) that he died doing what he loved. He loved and appreciated nature and although many times came home empty handed from the hunt, his heart was always filled with peace from the mediation it provided.

Truly created in HIS image.
A glimmer......

I miss you baby!

Glory be to God in the HIGHEST!

2010-10-13T13:42:00.017-04:00

DNR sent me these photos, from the "scene"

This is the place MY LOVE forever left this earth ........ to be eternally with his heavenly father.

We will be planting shade loving bulbs around the tree this weekend and already carved a heart in the bark of the tree. Just a small tribute to an amazing, amazing man.

The day before THE DAY will forever be etched in my mind. The day I should have loved more, better, longer. I wish I knew then, what I feel now. I wish I had savoured EVERY MOMENT and took nothing for granted. You never know when that kiss.... that kiss, will be your last.

A couple of years ago, early in the morning, I observed my neighbor walk her husband to his car, embrace him with hug, practically climb in his car window for a goodbye kiss then stand waving goodbye as he drove up the street until he was clearly out of sight. I thought this a bit much at the time but assumed he must be leaving for an extended business trip. Then the next morning, I observed the same routine, then again and again. Apparently, this is how she loves. She cherishes every moment with her husband. Her motivation for loving so intensely became dramatically more clear when I learned that, several years before moving to my neighborhood, she had lost her daughter to cancer. Perhaps that's when she learned to love so radically, I'm not sure. But having now gone through a similar heart loss, I totally get where shes coming from. A behaviour I once judged as odd, has now become a model for me.

So even today, as I trudge through this dark dark season, I can see amazing lessons woven discreetly into the fabric of my loss. I'm awe struck that my saviour loves me so much, that He has chosen to walk me through one of the hardest things a mortal can endure. He gave me my love, then took him away, all the while holding my hand, crying with me but knowing that in the end, my heart will be sanctified and my eyes truly open to His will. Thank you Jesus for caring so much for me, to take me on this journey.

Glory be to God in the HIGHEST!

2010-10-12T14:54:00.005-04:00

Before Dennis passed, he and I had discussed hosting a child from Ethiopia next year. We were waiting for more information from a local adoption advocacy group call Grafted Families. Well today I received that information however now I'm not sure that "I" am still eligible to host given the dramatic change in my situation. But no matter my result, I still feel compelled to share the information with others in hope that maybe another "intact" family will rise to the occasion a open their home "temporarily" to one of these beautiful children!

Remember, the walk is short...... make a difference!

Welcoming Angels, an international hosting program for orphans, needs families to host older children from Ethiopia in February 2011 for 4 weeks.

You're invited to join us at an upcoming information session.
Thursday, October 14th @7PM
Abingdon, MD

Tuesday, October 19th @7PM
Towson, MD

Wednesday, November 10th @7PM
Hunt Valley, MD

Childcare is available at all sessions but must be reserved.
For more information, please call 410-91-GRAFT or email info@graftedfamilies.com

2010-10-10T23:51:00.013-04:00

Today.... better than yesterday. I have to admit though, this whole grief thing has me completely baffled. There really is no rhyme, reason or pattern. Some days are filled with long waves of tearless blah while others are drenched in buckets of raw anguish. The one constant however, is that I miss my Dennis every minute of every day!

Going forward, I have decided to try and conceal my grief, primarily from my children. My reasoning for this is rather elementary. Remember those times when your little one takes a tumble? The times when he doesn't immediately break out in tears but rather he looks to you to see your reaction? If you gasp and run to his aid, the result is usually a manufactured cry. In contrast, if you observe the tumble and simply chuckle then follow with a light hearted remark, he almost always mimics your calm. So this is my new approach to daddy's passing. I pretend like all is well. Mom is ok and daddy is in a better place. And the kids seem to be following my lead. They look to me to set the pace of our grief. I need to be strong for them. They trust me and if I say everything is ok.... well they believe me. Its my responsibility to give this gift to them. They so deserve it!

Thank you Lord for the calm you gave me today. The reprieve from my anguish! Thank you for allowing me to see the importance of cradling my children's perceptions and fostering their healing.

Psalm 34 I will extol the LORD at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.
My soul will boast in the LORD;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
Glorify the LORD with me;
let us exalt his name together.

2010-10-09T20:25:00.007-04:00

Today.... AGONY WINS, I LOSE!

2010-10-08T19:55:00.013-04:00

Today I watched a video link that, someone with the kindest of intentions, emailed to me. It was a video clip of a couple talking about the tragic loss of their teenage son who had been killed in a car accident. Their grief was obvious and although no longer fresh, STILL overwhelming. While watching the video, I had hoped for a sliver of comfort to result. A morsel of hope that "it gets better over time". However, what I received instead was affirmation that, I too, should expect infinite pain. That the loss of someone so close to your heart, changes you forever. It becomes a part, if not all, of your "story". IT NEVER GOES AWAY!

Unexpectedly, in the midst of their heart wrenching story, I began to envy them. Why? How? Well they sat SIDE BY SIDE, HAND IN HAND consoling each other in the midst of their anguish. I sat watching the video, ALONE. No husband to cleave to! Whether they realize it or not, they are so still very blessed to have EACH OTHER. In my deepest darkest hour of need, my husband is gone and I sit alone, day after day, night after night.

So that's my pity party (aka opinion). And from where I'm perched, I think I'm entitled to it! Love, TRUE LOVE, is powerful. My love for my husband is, as God intended it, beyond anything in my planetary world. Losing him, was the single most devastating thing that could ever have happened to me. And yet I still feel the overwhelming need to scream GLORY BE TO GOD IN THE HIGHEST! Because NO MATTER WHAT, heavenly eternal life prevails and satan, the keeper of death, loses AGAIN!

So each day I draw energy, comfort and LIFE from my beautiful and precious children and my Saviour that loves me NO MATTER WHAT!

2010-10-07T13:00:00.005-04:00

Refuge..... today I seek refuge in the arms of the Heavenly Father. The only arms left to hold me, heal me and love me without pause. Through HIM, all thing are possible. HE has assured me that my love waits for me and that HE WILL reunite us, after a life lived in grace and servitude. So today, HE is all that I seek, all that I need. HE is my comfort and my hope. In Him, I TRUST! Glory be to God in the Highest!

2010-10-06T11:43:00.016-04:00

Irony - Dennis and I committed to living James 1:27 and then not even two years later, God MADE me a widow. Funny right? Perhaps He misunderstood? I said I wanted to CARE for the Widow, NOT BECOME ONE!

So the warning here is to heed your words with extreme caution. When you say things like "my life is not my own" and "I'm letting go of the life I planned for me", you better mean it! When I said these things, some 20 months ago, I was thinking about Africa. Planning how Dennis and I could shift our resources to consistently help the orphan and widow. Thinking about how WE could help abate the affects of extreme poverty via partnerships with charitable organizations . That WE should become involved in child sponsorship at care centers and fundraising for prospective adoptive families. NEVER in a million years did I dream that God had a different plan than I/WE did. I mean, WE were marching the gospel and turning faith into footsteps. WE were walking the walk not just talking the talk! And then this?

So now what? What possibly could God have planned for me now? Maybe He thinks I'll have a better perspective if I'm wearing the shoes of the widow? Perhaps he would like me to tumble into extreme poverty too? The only thing I'm sure of these days, is that I have NO control. I play NO role in my life planning and that He makes ALL decisions. I lay helpless in His palm waiting for healing, mercy, grace and clarity. So it is with trembling hands and tear stained cheeks I stand before Him today. Broken yet restored. I welcome WHATEVER the Saviour has planned for me..... No Matter What!

2010-10-05T17:12:00.010-04:00

The usually discreet, ebb and flow of life has been following me like a neon billboard the past couple of days. It seems to be screaming "come on, lets go, move it, move it, move it"! Why does life have to march on? Why cant I stop and wallow in my misery for weeks or even months? Oh that's right, I have three kids to raise. That would be two teen boys in the most volatile times of their lives and a brand new baby girl from Ethiopia. So when I hear people say "Gods timing is perfect", I truly have a hard time believing it right now!

Today was filled with Dennis related paperwork and meetings. A busy day that MADE me get dressed, get out and mix amongst the masses. I suppose its good. I think, I repeat, I think God is slowly calming the storm in my heart. Today I have felt like a zombie just going through the motions of life. Still hazy with only a few moments of agonizing grief. However, I'm positive that as night falls, my new bed fellow, the spirit of lonely, will come calling.

My heart is broken and more than half of it has been stolen to heaven. So now what? The heart is not an organ that can repair itself. How do you live with less than half a heart? Perhaps I need a trip to the whimsical place of who ville so my heart, like the Grinch's, can be magically repaired? Boy do I wish it were that easy.

Still bathing in prayer
Still searching in scripture
Still reaching for hope
Still clinging to faith

I know that He hears every cry and catches every tear.... I know it.... just waiting to feel it!

Psalms 31:9

2010-10-04T17:53:00.006-04:00

There are no moments of happiness these days. Just idle grief then waves of horrendous sadness that pound the shores of my life. Dramatic I know, but so utterly true. I wish I were sensationalizing the feelings. Embellishing like an over zealous writer with an unhealthy affection for adjectives. No, this is the real deal. Pure, raw, gut wrenching grief. Loss of the most amazing man ever, loss of the life we once had. EVERYTHING reminds me of him. And I suppose some day I'll take comfort in that. But today I just want to run and hide. Hide from every picture, every memory, every moment!

Oh how I'd love to sleep and not wake until the pain is over. Like the sleep induced comas so mercifully prescribed to drug addicts in rehab. I suppose the prescription for a grief stricken widow is simply time and prayer. Time I have way more of than I care for. As the sun sets, I am overwrought with the darkness of night. The spirit of lonely nestles into my bed and glares at me as I weep, hour after hour. When daylight breaks, I take solace in knowing that another day has come and will end so now I too am one day closer to going home. I used to say "life's to short". But oh how I know now that it truly is way too long! Prayer...... I do this incessantly all day, all night. I know God hears me. He just isn't talking back just yet. Or maybe he is and I just cant hear him above the waling of my sobs!

Looking back now, I can see bits and pieces of how He orchestrated the events leading up to September 20th. I just have no idea why death had to be a part of His plan. God is holding me and I know that He will eventually reveal Himself and His plan to me. But for now I cling to the hope that my beautiful Dennis is in His grace and that together someday, we will be!

2010-10-04T09:55:00.002-04:00

The Marriage Hoax

2010-10-03T16:44:00.012-04:00

Anguish and still...... silence looms.
Why does it feel like the adult men in my life have abandoned me? I suppose Dennis and God are too busy singing hymns, polishing the pearly gates and frolicking in fields of gold to pay any attention to little ole me! I mean most of the Christians I know have already told me, with somber expression and monotone voice, that its true. They say "Tracy, there is no marriage in heaven and your Dennis is no longer concerned with the things of this world.... and that ..... includes you and your children"! WHAT? So rummaging through the Bible I went searching desperately to prove them wrong. Of course, to no avail because I'm 90% sure they are all right. I just don't know how the amazing love that God created and gave Dennis and I, just STOPPED the minute his heart stopped beating. Why would God create such an incredible gift, only to yank it away never to be shared again? And why marriage? Dennis and I were not the usual husband and wife. We LOVED each other with every ounce of our beings, deep into our souls, til it hurt! We THOUGHT we were soul mates but now I'm learning that "soul mates" according to gospel, don't exist. Perhaps we "idolized" each other which ,in and of itself, is a sin. Maybe that's why God rescued Den from this world and is punishing me with the burden of mortal life. I just don't know the answers and according to Proverbs 25:2, I most likely never will!

Yet still...... I proclaim.... PRAISE BE TO GOD!

2010-10-02T07:27:00.011-04:00

The sun rose again today, I'm not sure how.... or why... but it did, in the same predictable way it always does. The difference today is that it rose without my Dennis. My beautiful husband of almost 19 years. He left earth just 12 days ago, early in the morning while hunting. They (Dept. of Natural Resources) say he fell out of his hunting tree stand. Of course this is an unusual way to die, so even the national media outlets felt compelled to chat about it. Chat about it like any other tiny topic of interest then on to the next. As is everyone, on to the next.... life goes on.

Our family tree has forever been changed. You see Dennis was the trunk of our tree and when he left this earth, all the branches, ie his children and me, well we all fell. Fell heavy to the ground just like he did that cold morning of Sept 20th, 2010. Life as a branch without the trunk of its tree means only one thing.... the branches die too. Eventually the fallen branches dry up, crumble and become part of the earths landscape. This is a long process of deterioration but it happens.... over time. My goal these days is to minimize the devastating affects this has had on my three little branches (Zack, Christian and Ellie) and to help them re root and grow into amazing adults. I know I'm Debbie downer right now. Still wallowing in the misery of losing the single most important person in my life so bear with me. My faith has been tested. I still occasionally scream at God. Begging for understanding. Complaining that He made a mistake. That He over reacted and that He MUST fix what He has broken. Yes, I even told Him He was acting like a dramatic hormonal teenage girl who made a grave decision without weighing the cost... MY COST! MY CHILDREN'S COST! I told Him, that He didn't NEED to take my husband from our family. I mean really, what divine message can be hidden in the robbing 2 teenage boys and a 10 month baby girl from Ethiopia from the love of their amazing daddy? How unfair is that? Why would our kind and merciful God let an orphan girl lose 2 daddies before the age of one? Nice guy right? Why would God take away the daddy to 2 teenage boys who desperately need a fathers love and guidance? Why would God take away the heart of a wife who was striving to grow daily to honor the kingdom of God via her marriage, children and faith in action? So it is with these questions, that I now linger in a faith haze. Squinting, climbing and clawing to find the reason, the logic or just a tiny smidgen of HOPE. Complete dismay and utter grief has me now questioning the one book I have hugged so many times in the past. The Bible was the one constant, other than my steadfast husband, that I could ALWAYS rely on. But understanding why the master of the universe would snatch my darling husband from our arms and steal him to heaven, remains a mystery.

I hope that as you read my journey, that together we will figure out the who what when where and WHY God is letting this happen. I NEED to uncover what is "His plan" (if I only had a nickle for every time I've heard this). So if you dare, I invite you to travel this long road of emotional healing and prayerfully spiritual enlightenment with me. The road ahead I expect has many dark turns, but my hope is that it leads me... us.... to a place of peace, mercy and His Amazing Grace!

2010-09-30T10:08:00.003-04:00

Genesis 10:9

"He was a mighty hunter before the LORD: wherefore it is said, Even as Nimrod the mighty hunter before the LORD".

2010-09-29T06:49:00.004-04:00

This is a picture of the woods where my sweet Dennis left this heavy earth.

The owner of the farm took this picture two days after Dens passing.

2010-09-28T10:14:00.004-04:00

September 15th, 2010

2010-09-26T01:53:00.004-04:00

Lord lead me home.

2010-09-25T00:32:00.002-04:00

2010-09-20T23:54:00.003-04:00

my love, my heart, my beautiful husband went to heaven today........ i love you Dennis! FOREVER!

2010-09-20T09:35:00.008-04:00

Miss Ellie recently discovered she can climb stairs!

Incurable....

2010-09-10T21:28:00.013-04:00

9/27 UPDATE - A CURE HAS BEEN FOUND....... DEATH!

We have a virus! There's no cure to heal it and no medicine to treat it. The symptoms include heartache, weak knees, gut wrenching and eyes with dramatically changed focus. Additionally, a huge shift in priorities and a "less is more" philosophy has been reported in some, but not all cases.

Proverbs 24:12 says that "once our eyes are opened, we cant pretend we don't know. God who knows our hearts and sees our souls, knows that we know and will hold us accountable".

Since God called our family, almost 2 years ago to adopt, it seems like we just can't find a cure. A cure to satiate the ache that there is so much more to be done for the orphan.

So we have been praying about what we can do to continue to reach out to the orphan.
Some ideas so far are;

*Adopt again?

*Start a campaign to raise money to build a well in Ellie's birth village?

*sponsoring children at an amazing orphan outreach I visited in Ethiopia?

*Launching a loose change campaign in hopes of saving/collecting enough to fund a family mission trip?

We dont know exactly whats next, but HE does!

So we stand perched, praying and waiting with eyes, ears and hearts WIDE OPEN.

Oh, and apparently this "virus" is contagious! My youngest son recently proclaimed that he too will adopt from Ethiopia some day. And my good friend, told me that after meeting Ellie,her two kids are declaring their hearts for the orphan and they too want to eventually adopt!

Ellie LOVES Huggin her BROTHER

Wonder if any grown ups I know are feeling the tug?

Re Adoption Day!

2010-08-26T21:14:00.016-04:00

We stayed overnight (For FREE with credit card points) at the Westin hotel in Annapolis the night before our adoption hearing.That evening, we enjoyed a relaxing stroll through beautiful downtown Annapolis and then treated ourselves to a fabulous dinner at Pusser's waterfront restaurant.

The next morning .... RE ADOPTION hearing!
Today, our lives overflow with love and peace.

Our AMAZING ellie GRACE has taught us so much.

She has blessed ALL OF US beyond our wildest expectations.

God is so good!

This concludes our adoption blog journey.
Thank you for your support and prayers along the way!

Just Because......

2010-08-21T15:25:00.006-04:00

She's so darn cute!

Reach....

2010-08-20T08:16:00.008-04:00

Every week, I try to discreetly (today's an exception for good reason) reach outside my comfort zone, and honor someone else. Sometimes this requires taking off my rose colored glasses and facing the harsh realities that abound ALL OVER THE GLOBE! And other times, it simply requires looking in side my community or circle of friends and offering a lending hand. Maybe running an errand for a busy mom, collecting school supplies for needy kids, dropping food donations to a local
mission or supporting someones adoption by buying their fundraiser t shirt/coffee. Most recently, thanks to the tireless effort of my friend Kara, the needs of the street children in Ethiopia have been heavy on my heart. I met some of these children while visiting the Saturday feeding program in Ethiopia. Below is a message I received from Kara. I urge you to take her up on her offer for the free DVD. I did and was so blessed by the insight it offered!

"My name is Kara. I am a wife and mother of 4 great kids. Two of our children, Kal & Dee, came home to us from Ethiopia in December 2009. Since coming home, my heart has been feeling a tug to help Yezelalem Minch Orphan Care Center. This care center helps children who are orphaned have a happy life.. YM is an amazing ministry with several community programs: feeding and nutrition, sponsorship, self-sufficiency, psycho-social support, education, and medical care. I hope and pray that the Lord will open doors to bring sponsors for the 955 children who receive help from YM. Unfortunately, YM has 625 children that need sponsors!!! To help, I started a cause page for YM on Facebook. And now, t-shirts are being printed as you read this to help spread the word/awareness of Yezelalem Minch. Through several generous donors, enough funds were raised so that every penny from the sale of the shirts will go right to Yezelalem Minch. When I watched the Yezelalem Minch Documentary two years ago, I knew I had to be part of this ministry. It is a heart wrenching yet inspiring movie about life and hope. If you would like a copy of the movie or a t-shirt, please email me at kkvassaratyahoodotcom. The children at Yezelalem Minch are just as important as Kal & Dee and deserve a life of happiness and the opportunity to be the children God created them to be.
My life has been changed forever because of my Ethiopian children Kal, Dee, and Melaku. They have showed me so much about life and love. Your life can be changed too? Did you ever think of sponsoring a child?? It is a neat experience. You can write to him/her and he/she will write you. I have Melaku's picture right next to all my kids ( : He has such a sparkle in his eye ( : Please let me know if you are interested in sponsoring a child at Yezelalem Minch. I will do my best to help you. For just $30 a month you can help a lonely child hope to get up EVERYDAY".

How can you help:
1. Get the Yezelalem Minch dvd and watch it – email Kara at kkvassar@yahoo.com. and she will send it to you FREE.
2. Sponsor a child at Yezelalem Minch (or another country) by contacting Bethany Christian services at 1-888-242-8332 or email sponsorship@bethany.org
3. Go to Kara’s blog; http://journeytonumberthree.blogspot.com/ to make a donation through the paypal button,
4. Order a $20 t-shirt by emailing Kara at kkvassar@yahoo.com. You can see the design on her blog, http://journeytonumberthree.blogspot.com/ Every penny you spend on this t-shirt will go to the children receiving services at Yezelalem Minch!!!!!!
5. Buy some Ethiopian coffee at the Blue Nile Traders coffee. The entire purchase amount goes to the Yezelalem feeding program http://www.blueniletraders.org/.
6. Pray daily for the millions of orphans around the world.
7. Support adoptive families and foster families as they care for these most vulnerable children and give them someone to call their own

The Island...

2010-08-12T07:15:00.025-04:00

The Island........ no, not the tropical one that I long to lazily lounge on, but rather the "Adoption Island".

The "Adoption Island" is surrounded by a place where everyone is gainfully employed, has manicured lawns, and Lacoste shirts. On weekends, life meanders on with spirits and laughter poolside. Angus is a staple at dinner tables and luxury vacations a bi annual must. Here the reigning principle is "more is better" while the woes of the world lay silent in lands far far away. The raw reality of the desperate needs of children, millions of children, never cross the minds of the well to do. It is here that Christians gauge Gods favor by their ability to accumulate tangible prosperity, their weekly attendance at church and the "I'm a good person" mantra. I know this place well. I live here! I live in it! For years I blindly strutted the same shallow mindset. Bought in to the same shallow design of success. Then one day, I naively asked God to show me his eyes, show me more to this life. He heard me.... He showed me...... and it hurts. He screamed how dare you sit there in all your riches. Day after day planning how to get more, more, more! While my children sit starving and dying. Do you not see? LOOK! I give you much not for you to wallow in but rather for you to use to glorify MY name... NOT YOURS!

And because the world around me, still clamors to the usual pace, I struggle with pretending I don't know (proverbs 24:12)?

Trying to peal back, layer by layer, the person I am to become the person He wants me to be!

Camping Fun

2010-08-07T21:35:00.015-04:00

Heading to Western Maryland

Our lil cabin

Den making breakfast

Ellie and Crew early in the AM

Good morning kisses

Hiking with Daddy

Finishing our 2 hour hike

2010-08-04T21:19:00.020-04:00

Eight weeks ago today, I met the most amazing little girl who FOREVER captured my heart! I will not leave you as orphans;

I will come to you

John 14:18

I love you Ellie Grace!

Look Who's 14!

2010-08-01T10:24:00.017-04:00

We spent the day in Ocean City Maryland to celebrate Christian turning 14!

We LOVE you buddy!